Does He Rejoice In Me?

"Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth." (Proverbs 5:18)

In this verse the author is addressing husbands.  It's sort of a charge to be happy with the woman they married.  Every time I read it I stop and think, Is Lew (husband) happy with the woman he married?  Does he "rejoice" in me?  Do I give him something to rejoice about?

I know complacency sneaks into every marriage at some point.  Lew and I have gotten to the point where we are comfortable.  "Comfortable" in the sense that he knows where the limits are, and so do I.  But is that really the way our marriage should be?  Should my husband be "comfortable" or should he be rejoicing?  

As I take a good, honest look at myself, I can see that I have not been an easy woman for my husband to live with.  Most days I complain more than I compliment, I scowl more than I smile, and I say no more than I say yes.  Am I the sort of person who will cause my husband to rejoice? Oh, goody. She's complaining about everything ... again. How joyous.

When Lew and I got married, I promised myself I would not be the same kind of woman I was during my first marriage.  I was going to be different.  I would be more giving, more open, more sexual, more accepting.  What I have become instead is more of the same.

ENOUGH!  

I want to be the wife of my husband's dreams.  I want him to rejoice every time he sees me.  I want to be blessed in the knowledge that he is happy he married me.

Like I Promised

Recently my husband and I attended a marriage workshop that was part of the re|engage marriage curriculum.  I attended reluctantly as I don't enjoy myself when the Holy Spirit convicts me as I listen to speakers and work through the questions.

There was a point during the workshop when the question came up, "Do you love your spouse the way you promised you would?"

I felt a sudden wave come over me like I was either going to faint or cry.  Or maybe a little of both.

My short answer was "no."

Now here's my long answer.

I have made promises along the way that I intended to keep.  I also made promises I had no intention of keeping.  Basically, I have not loved my husband the way I promised to.  I have given him false hope that some day I would get around to doing this or learning that when in fact I have never had any intention of doing any of it.

Why do I operate under false pretenses like this?  I know he longs for me to be the wife I promised him I'd be, to learn how to please him and love him, and to do the things I said I would do, but when it comes down to action I chicken out because I prefer to take the easy way out.  I don't like to put myself out or make myself feel uncomfortable in any way.  It doesn't matter that the person I made promises to is my own husband, the man who is supposed to trust me more than anyone else.  If I don't feel like doing it, you might as well forget about it.  It isn't going to happen.  Ever.

Well, that's about to change.  Lew (husband) is going to find himself married to a different woman and he isn't going to know what hit him.  First I'll have to attend to a few essential details so he doesn't suspect that I've replaced myself with a clone.
1. I'm going to confess and ask forgiveness, from God and from Lew.
2. I'm going to ask him (again) what he wants from me as his wife - what will make him happy.
3. I'm going to do those things.
4. I'm going to learn (and practice) those things I don't know how to do.

I'm going to love him the way I promised I would.

 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

We Are Family?

Are we a family? 

I know that by legal definition we are a family, but are Lew (husband) and I a "family?"  Do I treat him the way I would treat my brother, sister, mother, father?

Recently my father was diagnosed with an irregular heart beat and high blood pressure.  My first response was to call him and ask if he was okay, then offer to come and stay so he could rest.

My sister recently slipped and fell in her driveway, twisting her ankle.  She used crutches for two weeks.  I went to her house every day to help her clean.
 My brother had an accident with his car.  I know he doesn't have much money, so I offered to drive him to work until he was able to get other transportation.

When my mother came down with the flu I made a week's worth of meals, drove to their house (one and a half hours away) and delivered them.


By contrast, when my husband had surgery last month I looked at him with disgust as he sat around the house.  I made him clean the closets and organize the basement.  After all, it was the least he could do since he wasn't doing anything else to help around here. Nevermind that a team of doctors said that he shouldn't lift anything for a few weeks. 

See my point?  I haven't treated my husband like family in his own house.  It's almost as if he's "less than" family and doesn't deserve to be treated as well as them. 

What about you?  Do you give your husband the same love you give your other family?  Do you protect him and provide cover for his weaknesses?  Or do you think about his infirmities with disgust and contempt?  When he is sick, sore and tired, do you let him rest? 

When we marry, we take on a new identity.  We become one flesh with another person.  If our husbands aren't accepted by us as family members, then we will always treat them as bothersome intruders, placed in our lives to disrupt our agendas. 

Let's start to treat our husbands like family.  Sometimes we're the only family they have.

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart. (Proverbs, 11:29)

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Taste

This is part 5 of 5 in my series The Five Senses of Being His Wife.

What does the sweat on his cheek taste like?  Or his tears after he hears some devastating news?  How do his kisses taste when he first hops into bed?  Have you given him this part of you?  Why are you holding back? 

Intimacy - true intimacy - must be just that.  Intimate.  Lew (husband) is not the kind who will go around demanding that I taste his feet.  Ahhh, but when I decide to kiss my way down his leg and pay attention to his feet, tasting each toe, nibbling his ankles, he becomes a different man.  When I taste his neck, his belly, his thighs, his penis ... I get from him a more intimate husband.  He wants to open up to me more and more.  He is more grateful, more loving. 

I believe God designed him that way.  I believe we as wives are meant to love our husbands with everything we've got.  All five of our senses. 

... to love their husbands ....

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
(Titus 2:4-5)
  
Really?  

When Paul wrote this letter to Titus I'm sure he was specifically addressing the little old ladies of the church when he wrote the above verses.  Those ladies didn't have any hang ups when it came to talking about marriage, submission, or sex.  

They were instructed to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children, to be keepers of their homes, and to obey (yes, O-B-E-Y) their husbands.

My eyes were opened a while ago when Lew (husband) let me know that I was falling short in some areas.  That's when I went openly and honestly to my Titus 2 lady - a woman who isn't ashamed to talk to me in plain language about any thing (and I mean anything).

But as I keep considering the verses in Titus 2, I keep coming back to this thought:

To whom will I give such advice?

The answer came to me recently in a most frightening and eye-opening way.

Lew (husband) had been getting all lovey-dovey for a few days, and had tried several times to get me to go upstairs with him (*wink, wink*).  I kept putting him off, saying that I couldn't spend time with him because there was just too much work to do.  I had to finish the washing the dishes and vacuuming the carpets.  Then there was still laundry to be folded and emails to check.  

One of the girls said to him, "Yeah, Dad.  Get in line.  There's more important stuff than you, ya know!"

... oh, dear ...

That is how I have taught the younger women (my own girls) to love their husbands.

I've shown them (quite well, in fact) that husbands ...
  

• are a low priority (lower on the the list than almost everything else). 
• shouldn't expect their wives to do anything for them. 
• should be okay with waiting a long, long time for sex. 
• are just children who must be controlled by their wives. 
• must do all the work around the house that their wives don't feel like doing. 
• should lead their families the way their wives see fit. 
• must never do anything their wives disagree with.  
• must put up with tantrums whenever their wives are unhappy.

These are the things this Titus 2 woman has taught the younger women (my own daughters) about how to love their husbands. Just by watching their mother, my girls have picked up on my attitude toward Lew, and my rebellion against God.  And because their mother lives her life this way they believe it is the right thing to do.

... oh, dear ...

I have a lot of work to do and a lot of forgiveness to ask for.

 
  
 

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Touch

This is part 4 in a series about the five senses of loving our husbands. 

I don't know about you, but when Lew (husband) touches me it still sends me into orbit.  So much so that I sometimes find it hard to concentrate.  Of course some areas are much more sensitive than others.  For example, when he touches the nape of my neck or strokes my cheek I go crazy and want to take him straight to bed.

It reminds me of how much my hubby loves to be touched.  Of the five love languages, physical touch is his number one.  And I don't mean just a touch on his shirt sleeve.  I'm talking skin-to-skin contact.  He likes me to touch his arm (his actual arm).  He wants me to massage his back.  This is how he most feels loved; reverenced.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  (Ephesians 5:33)

So I reverence my husband in the way I touch him?  Do I treat his body as a wondrous gift from God?  A gift that should be revered by me rather than pushed away?  Do I touch him the way he wants to be touched or do I touch him only in ways I want to touch him?

I'm afraid I'm often guilty of the latter.  I really must get my act together and learn to love my husband the way my  husband requires.

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Smell

 If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? (1 Corinthians 12:17)


What is your husband's scent?  I don't mean cologne or aftershave, but what is his natural scent?  Are you familiar with it? 

When animals choose a mate in the wild, they do so partly by scent.  One reason for this is so that if anything should happen to any of their other senses they will be able to identify safety in the scent of their mate. 

What does your husband's ear smell like?  What about his hands?  His neck?  His stomach?  Feet?  Penis?  Do you ever take a deep breath and soak in the aroma of his hair?  It's unique to him and only him.  He should know your scent as well.

On another note (and to get away from bodily aroma for a moment), is there a scent that hubby enjoys?  Are there ways you can be a better wife  by using these scents?  Does he like the scent of fresh baked pie?  Does he go wild for a certain perfume?  What areas of your body does he tend to smell?  Does he ever breathe deeply and take in all the aromas of you?

I believe God created us to love our husbands with our full beings, and that includes our noses.  We are naturally sensitive to certain aromas and are attracted to our husbands partly because of the way they smell. 

Make sure you know the scent of your man.  Breathe it in.  Appreciate it.  When he's gone, you'll wish you could hold on to it (and him) forever.

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Sound

This is the second post in my series about the fives senses.  Today I want to explore the sense of sound and how it relates to my role as my husband's wife.

Do I listen to Lew (husband)?  I mean really listen?   What does he actually mean when he says we should have pie more often?  (Hint: He probably likes pie.) What does it mean when he says he's going to take a shower before bed?  Or when he compliments the way I look in my new sweater? Do I hear what my beloved is saying in the background of his words?

Am I aware of the sounds he makes on a daily basis?  What do his little sighs, moans, and groans mean?  As his wife, I should know.  I should be enough of a student to at least know how to read the man I married.

Okay, so here's the other side of the coin.

What is he hearing?  What sounds do I make for him to hear?  Do my word build him up or tear him down?
Does he hear me speaking loving words to him, or does he hear mostly complaining and nagging? 

Lord, please help me to hear my husband.  Not just his words, but the heart behind his words.  Help me be a student of him and know him in a way that will bless him. I want to build my house and not tear it down.  Help me use words that will help my husband.  Please let him hear uplifting messages from me.  This I pray in Jesus' name.

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Sight

God has gifted us with five senses with which we go about our daily walk.  If we are walking with a spouse, these five senses are even more important.  We need to use these gifts in our marriages on a daily basis, loving and knowing our spouses in every way possible.

This subject is too important to limit to one post.  It warrants an expanded view of each sense as it relates to the holy union of marriage.

Sight:  

How do you look at your husband?  Do you gaze through a filter that sees all his mistakes and flaws?  All the ugliness that disappoints you and causes you to look at him with disgust?  Or do you through the lens of our Heavenly Father, as a human being who has been fearfully and wonderfully made, in the image of God Himself?

The light of the body is the eye: therefore when thine eye is single, thy whole body also is full of light; but when thine eye is evil, thy body also is full of darkness. (Luke 11:34)

The sense of sight is so important in the marriage relationship and not just on the surface. I need to see my husband with a clear eye, not a dirty one.  I must see him as God sees him.  God sees every square inch of him.  He knows the birthmarks on the folds in my husband's skin.  He knows exactly where the red bump is on his inner thigh.  He knows the itchy spot on his head (and his other itchy spots).  I must know why he laughs and why he cries.  I must know why he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning and can't go back to sleep. 

Do I know these things?  Am I aware of the details of my husband, inside and out, or would I rather not get into the nitty gritty of actually "knowing" physically, intellectually, sexually and spiritually, the man whom God Himself chose for me.   Do I take the time to look at him - really look at him - every square inch?  Do I know how big that mole was last week?  Do I really know what all of his many parts look like?  Have I taken the time to see him? Am I too ashamed to look?  Am I afraid to really examine him? Why?

On the flip side, do I allow myself to be open to my husband's eyes?  Do I allow him to see me outside and inside?  Is he able to look at my most deeply personal wrinkles and crevices, or do I put a halt to his efforts?   

Wives, today I urge you to pray that God will open your eyes to your husband's physical being.  Pray that you will begin exploring him with your eyes and really get to know his body.

He's watching me do THAT???

Some facts about God just blow me away.  I’ve always known that God is everywhere, even in the smallest details.  As a kid I learned that He’s watching me and taking care of me and that He wants what’s best for me.  

Recently I had an awesome and somewhat frightening little “a-ha!” moment about God and his everywhere-ness.  It happened while I was serving Lew (husband) by doing something deeply personal and intimate (I think you can guess) that he deeply desires and loves. 

While I was busy serving my hubby the Holy Spirit got a hold of me and whispered in my ear, “Your husband is well pleased with you, and so is your Heavenly Father.” 

Wow!  I never really stopped to think about it, but it’s true.  When the hubby and I are naked and unashamed, God is there.  When we’re naked and one of us is ashamed (mostly me), He is there.  When I dive in and explore sex with abandon, He is there.  When I rationalize all the reasons not  to release myself to sexual abandon, He is there. 

I’ve blogged previously about God’s whereabouts and that He’s always watching and always with us, but this dimension adds a bit more depth to my understanding of exactly how involved God is in our lives. 

Everything I do and every excuse I have, God is either pleased or displeased with me. 

What about you?  Is God please with the details of your life?  Your marriage?  Your thoughts and excuses? 

Does He like the level of intimacy you’ve built with your husband? 

If not, what are you going to do about it?

I Should Have Let Him Know Me

I was a gate keeper.  I was never a refuser.  There is a difference.  A refuser says no to sex.  A gate keeper says yes to sex but no to anything new.  I was a gate keeper. 

It almost destroyed me when I discovered the truth.  I was devastated because I realized what I was missing out on, and because I realized it was too late.  My first husband had died having never experienced the pleasures of sexual fulfillment. 

Yes, we would make love often, and yes it was satisfying.  But it wasn't fulfilling for him.  I said no to some requests that, as I look back on it, should have been no big deal for me.  He asked, begged, pleaded for it.  I debated him and kept that gate closed for a long time. 

Then he died suddenly, never having been granted the closeness, the oneness, the intimacy he so desperately needed from me. 

I will not do that to my new husband, Lew.  He will know me and I will know him.  I will get to know and accept him intellectually, spiritually, socially, and sexually in every way possible. 

The Bible says we should be one flesh.  That means I should know every crease in his mind and body the same way I know my own, and he likewise should know mine.  How am I supposed to do that if I won't even look closely at him? (ALL OF HIM)  How is he supposed to know me when I shudder every time he shows interest in looking at (all of) me closely?  Touching and kissing me intimately?

Why would I keep that gate closed?  Does it glorify God to disallow my husband (whom I am instructed to reverence and submit to) access to my body so he can know me?  Is it a good thing to say no to touching and kissing him intimately? 

My first husband never asked me to do anything that would cause me physical harm, and yet I was a gate keeper to all things sexual.  I wouldn't let him get away with his "perverted little acts."  Funny, it turned out he was right and I was in sin.  It wasn't perverted - it was intimate.  I should have known him more the way he needed.  I should have let him know me.

It's time we realize that God celebrates with us when we allow ourselves to relinquish the keys to the gate and allow ourselves and our husbands full access to each other with all five senses..  Naked and unashamed.
I will not be the one responsible for our one flesh union asunder.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)
   

Grow Up already!!

If God called you to do something new, something different, would you do it for Him?  Many of you immediately answered "yes."  That's a good answer, but are you sure you would do it?  If you're like me you'll say "yes, some day I'll do that for you."  Then you'll never get around to doing it.

I fought that battle with my first husband.  He was a good man.  I struggle with things he was asking me to do.  I would say "yes, I will do that, but first I want to do (A), (B), and (C).  Then I'll do that for you.  He died having never had the gift of me giving my full self to him.  I have many regrets about that.

Now I'm married to another wonderful man who loves me and my girls and to whom I also promise things ... someday.  I'm finding myself falling back into the comfortable routine again.  A routine that centers around me and what I want rather than a routine of serving my husband, and therefore serving God.

God has commanded wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.  This means when my husband asks for something, whether it be another scoop of potatoes, help with taking out the garbage, or something he craves from you in the bedroom (as long as it is not illegal), I am to submit to his request as if God Himself asked me to do it.  If I wouldn't say "no" to God, then I shouldn't say "no" to Lew (husband).

I'm not saying this thinking comes naturally, nor is it easy.  Quite the contrary.  Transforming a lifetime of selfishness into an attitude of submission is hard.  It's uncomfortable.  It will cause stress.  But it is what God expects of wives. 

We are to be our husbands' help-meets.  How can I possibly expect my husband to resist temptation when I am making certain that he is unsatisfied with me?  Someday I'll be ready and willing to do that for you.  or When you've done this and that I'll do that other thing.  Would I ever dare to talk to God that way? 

I would like to say I wouldn't but the truth is that whenever I lead my husband on, telling him that someday I'll do the things he asks when I know in my heart I have no intention of doing them,  I have in fact been deceitful to him as to the Lord.   
 
When Lew stopped initiating sexual intimacy with me, I didn't know what the problem was.  I found out the problem was me.  It wasn't that we never made love, it's just that it was always the same.  We had built a routine, and as many ways as Lew (husband) asked for something else, I had just as many ways of putting him off until he stopped asking altogether. He said "I figure it's pointless to keep asking.  I'm never going to get it anyway."

Just like God will leave a sinner wallowing in his/her sin, so my husband left me wallowing in my decision to stay comfortable and not give him something that he so desperately desired.  We have started to work through it, but I have to tell you it isn't easy.  I'm stretching my comfort zones and he is still very reluctant to make any requests.

I know some of you have done this to your husbands too.  You've put off doing that certain something for him and now he won't ask for it anymore.  It doesn't mean he isn't desperate for it.  It just means he has resigned himself to the fact that you aren't going to be his helper.  He will find other ways to fill the void that would otherwise have been filled by you.  Maybe he will start a new hobby.  Maybe he'll discover video games or pornography.  Maybe he'll seek gratification elsewhere.

If this sounds like you, then I pray that you see the destruction this is causing to your husband and to your marriage, and that God will help you take the first step, second step, third step, and so on to get over yourself and grow up already.  Your husband needs a help-meet in all areas of his life.  You are it.

I'm finally starting to grow up and act like my husband wife.  Won't you do the same?

A Good Wife?

Am I a good wife?  That's a great question.  It's one I've been asking myself lately. 

Do I build up my house, or do I tear it down?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

I'm not always a wise woman. I'm disagreeable.  I complain and argue.  I pluck my house down one complaint at a time.

I should love my husband and submit to him (build up my house), but often I find myself selfishly clinging to what I want instead of giving my all to my husband (pluck down my house).   

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

Lew tries very hard to lead me as he feels led by the Lord. He has been given a vision for our marriage, our intimacy, our oneness.  Sometimes I submit and sometimes I rebel.

Why? Because I want what I want.  I do not want what he is asking of me.  This happens more often than I want to admit.  I give him not what he is asking of me, but only as much as I want to give. Did I mention that I am a selfish woman?

• I'm selfish about my house.  I want it a certain way.  I place it above people sometimes.
• I'm selfish about my time.  When I'm reading I refuse to be interrupted, even if the children are on fire.
• I'm selfish about my body.  I don't give my husband what he needs and desires in the bedroom.  I only give him what I want him to have.

My prayer is that God will continue to work in me to change my selfish heart and help me step outside my comfortable little world into the world of serving and giving to my husband.  I pray daily that He will help me understand that my husband has been given a vision for our marriage and that if I don't follow him we won't enjoy God's best for our marriage.

Take a moment, wives, and consider the vision your husband has been given for your family.  Would it be so bad to obey God by submitting to your husband's authority? Wouldn't it be better to work through your objections and get over them?  Wouldn't it be a good idea to be the wife your husband needs?

He Is Watching

Lew (husband) and I were in church last weekend, praising God with our whole hearts.  We prayed, sang, learned, fellowshipped, and communed. I really felt like I was paying attention to God's voice.  I wanted to do everything I could for Him in that moment. It was wonderful.  It got me thinking.....

How quick am I to obey when God asks me to do something for Him?  What about at home? Do I live my life in a way that glorifies God?  Do I always do my best to obey Him in everything?  EVERY thing??  Do I worship my Lord and Savior in my every day life as though He's watching?

Because He is watching.

When I sit at my computer all day while life goes on without me, God's watching.
When I criticize Lew (husband) in front of the girls, God's watching.
When I get that enormous, selfish case of the "I wants," God's watching.
When I am impatient, God's watching.
When I'm at the supermarket deciding between corn flakes and fruit loops, God's watching.
When I flirt with my husband, God's watching.
When I put off giving my husband that "thing" he wants in bed, God's watching.
When I lay awake at night, filled with guilt over my behavior, God's watching.

He's watching me all the time.  He knows how well I've behaved.  He's there, guiding me, prodding me, asking me to do things and watching as I disobey.

At the store, He's there watching me make unhealthy choices that destroy my body and my budget.

At home, He's there watching as I ignore my children and husband because I'm lost in my book.

In the bedroom, He's there as I put a stop to anything that will help Lew (husband) and I become more intimate.

He's there.  Always there. 

He's with you, too.  He's watching everything you do.  He sees every decision you make.  You cannot hide from Him.

So, let me ask you this ...... Is He happy with you? I'm sure He isn't always happy with me.

A Time To Reconnect

First, let me apologize for neglecting my blog for so long.  I was away with Lew (husband), working on our relationship.  We did this because it came to a crisis point and we didn't want to give up on God's gift of marriage. 

My parents watched the kids and we drove far away and checked into a very nice hotel.  It was glorious to be alone with my love for a few weeks.  Or at least it would have been glorious had it not been for the gigantic crater in our relationship. 

That was the first order of business.  Well, right after resting a bit and getting some food in our famished bodies. 

First thing in the morning that first day we ate breakfast and got to work.  We set up our laptops on a round table in our room and sat next to each other.  We spent time each day working on specific areas of our marriage and family, including topics like finances, children, retirement, home improvements, health and fitness, diet, and sex. 

The talks were difficult at times.  There were things each of us didn't want to hear.  Some topics were embarrassing (especially when it came to sex), but we worked through some of them and made plans to improve over the next few months.

The best part of our getaway was having the freedom to be truly open and unashamed with each other without any interruptions.  We talked about things, and whenever we could, we started implementing changes immediately, right there on vacation.  Diet, exercise, sex, wardrobe, whatever we talked about.  We started making changes right then and there.

I found out I could do some things for him that would give him tremendous satisfaction and that didn't take a lot of effort on my part.  The trick was paying attention to him and what he needs instead of concentrating on what I want to give him and how to get out of giving him what I don't want to give him (Yes, I'm guilty of this and so are you).

I found out that Lew was unhappy for a long time but didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to have the same argument with me again and get nowhere again.  In fact, it took a couple days before he was actually able to admit that he still wasn't satisfied with our relationship.

The entire trip opened my eyes and I intend to keep them open.

What about you?  Do you and your hubby talk openly and honestly about deep, important issues?  Do you diet with him? (Lew dieted alone because it was "too much of a hassle" for me.)  Do you exercise together? (Lew didn't do the right kind of exercises.)  Do you try his sexual ideas? (I was only willing to do a few things, and he stopped asking for any kind of sex at all.)   Do you dress for each other? (We're learning to do that.)

I recommend to every couple that you take a week or so without the kids to go away, talk, and reconnect.  It will make a huge difference.  I promise.

My Wicked Thoughts

OK, I admit it.  I think some, let's say, "not so nice" things at times.  I often do one thing while thinking another. 

Especially where my husband is concerned.  

In spite of what I do for my husband, I know that my motivation isn't always quite right.  Sometimes (no, make that most times) I do things not out of love but to get my own way.

"If I do this for him, eventually he'll get the hint and do this or that for me." 

~ OR ~

"I'm only doing this because the Bible says I'm supposed to submit to my husband."

~ OR ~

"Why can't he be different, better at _________, more like ___________, smarter, stronger, etc..."

 In my marriage I find myself asking those questions far too often.  I say I'm his help-meet. I go through the motions, but my thoughts are not right.  If I treat him (on the outside) like I love him and would do anything for him, but think thoughts against him, like how lazy he is, or how unloving he is, or how much better I am with the kids, or how I wish he would do something better, then my thought life needs to be re-examined BIG TIME.

I may be respectful and submissive on the outside, but inside I'm rebelling against my God and my husband with my whole heart.  I may say that I respect him, but I do not, because I think things against him. I think I'm so clever to pretend I want to obey God by submitting to my husband in everything.  But I do not submit in everything.  In fact, I submit in hardly anything.  And my husband knows it. He can tell I have a deceitful heart.  That's why he doesn't open up, doesn't express his feelings, desires.  My deceitful heart is the reason he doesn't lead.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.  (Romans 6:12)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.  (Philippians 4:8)

I need to start getting my heart right.  I need to focus on my thought life and ask God to help me love my husband and not harbor selfish, wicked thoughts against him by saying/doing one thing, but thinking another.  

Lord God, please help me focus on You.  Examine my heart and help me eliminate any bad thoughts about my husband.  Let me be the help-meet he needs instead of the help-meet I want to give him.  Get rid of my selfishness and let me serve him and You.

In Jesus name,

Amen.
  

Who Do You Serve?

The question is ... who do I serve? 

I often say it is a privilege to serve and respect my husband, even reverence him, as the Bible commands (Ephesians 5:33).  But who do I serve ... really?

Myself. 

Here's what I mean ...

Every time I give Lew (husband) a hard time about something because it isn't the way I want it, I'm serving myself.  Not my husband, not my Savior, myself.

Every time I give my husband something I want him to have instead of something he actually wants or needs, I'm serving myself.  Not him.

Every time I refuse him sexually of the kind of intimacy he desires but instead give him the sex I want him to have, I'm serving myself.  Not him.

It's disobedience, ladies.  Plain and simple.  God expects us to reverence our husbands and obey and respect them. 

When we refuse to consider that they need something that we don't want to give them, but instead give them something else - something that's acceptable to us, we are disobeying God's commands. 

When sex is always my way, with only 20 seconds of his way added in a couple times a year to "make him happy," it destroys any chance for the marriage to achieve oneness. No wonder men look at other women, view pornography, and have affairs.  If they can't be fulfilled in their own marriages by their own wives, they will fall to Satan's temptations.

Here's what I, personally, will do:

I will pay attention to my husband's needs.  Deep down I know many of the things he wants and needs, but I don't allow him to have them because they are inconvenient, make me uncomfortable, or otherwise don't meet my criteria.  I need to stop that.  I need to recognize that when I obey and serve (and yes, reverence) my husband, I am obeying the Lord.  Likewise, when I disobey my husband I also disobey the Lord.  When I run his desires through my agenda and say, "um .... no.  I don't think so,"  I am saying "no" to God.  It's the same thing.  When I disrespect my hubby, I disrespect my Savior.  When my kids see me disrespecting him, they learn to do likewise.

You might say, "But what if my husband won't tell me what he wants?"

That question is a cop-out.  There are many things we know beyond all doubt that our husband desire from us, but they no longer will express it out of frustration or exhaustion from the quest.  You know I'm right.  Our job is to repent of our personal agendas and serve and reverence our husbands the way they need us. 

Our husbands will be happy and fulfilled and our God will bless our marriages.

About A Six

"About a six, I guess."

WHAT??? A SIX??!!??

That's the answer Lew (husband) gave me when I asked him to rate our love life on a scale of 1 to 10.

He gave us a six.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  Not only wasn't it a ten, but it was about  a six, which means it probably wasn't even quite as good as a six.

When I pressed him for more details, he was very reluctant to share because, well, we all know how I get.  But he did share some reasons for his rating, none of which should have surprised me, and all of which gave me much to think about.

What did he share? 

• Sex is predictable and always on my terms, never on his.  A while ago I promised to improve in this area, but I never did.  He has desires that I don't understand, and while I paid him lip-service and promised to take his needs more seriously by learning how to do some "things," I never did learn.  Instead, I ignored the subject, hoping it would go away.  True.

• Spontaneity has gone out the window by way of housework and children.  He agrees that the children must be a priority, but I had made them a priority above and beyond our marriage.  True.

So, what would he have ranked me back then?  Probably around a nine (although I didn't ask him, I remember those days too, and it truly did seem far better).

What happened, and why didn't he ever say anything?

He did, actually, say something.  A lot of somethings.  Over and over again.  Over the past ten years or so we have had this conversation in one form or another.

When I was a "9," I paid close attention to him.  I couldn't wait to see him return from work.  I was bursting with joy to see him. I was more than eager to rip off his clothes and do whatever he asked.  I felt free to be naked and unashamed with him. He seemed absolutely head over heels in love with me, and would do anything I asked as well.

In the time that followed, things became quite different.  I was tired, cranky, and I felt unattractive, even though he did his very best to assure me otherwise.  I didn't want to be adventurous in bed.  There were only a few items on my sexual menu, and only those things were authorized for use in our bed.  I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I said "no" to everything else. He wanted to be free in my presence, but somehow he became inhibited in expressing himself because he was often humiliated by my reaction.  As a result he has suppressed his interest in sex. 

Who could blame him?

After all, how long would I have continued to ask for sex before giving up?  But it wasn't just asking for sex.  It was my disregard for his needs that was the tipping point. 

Lew gave up.  While he used to pursue me passionately and diligently, he became passive.  He waited until I came to him for affection. It turns out he found it much easier (less humiliating?) to just wait until I wanted sex.  Then he would give me only what I wanted, without asking for anything more. 

What did I want?

I wanted release.  Orgasm.  Plain and simple.  I didn't really want him.  I just wanted it.   I adopted a "this far and NO farther" policy in bed.  If I truly wanted him, he explained, I would want every square inch of him with all five senses, like he wanted me. And he truly did want me that way, if only I had allowed it.  

He finally resigned himself to living with "about a six."

What did I do?  How did I fix it?

I confessed to him and asked his forgiveness.  Then I asked him to help me learn how to be more open sexually. 

I vowed to do something just for him at least once a week. And not just a half-hearted attempt, just to say I did it.  I mean really  do it.  Learn how to make him satisfied. 

I started researching blogs and online article on marital intimacy and started applying what I learned in my own marriage.

Am I a "9" again?  Probably not.  But I am getting there, and Lew and I are growing in intimacy every day.

Wives, I encourage you to find out what your husband wants and learn to give him some of what he wants.  Trust me.  Your home will be a better place as a result.

Reverence, Part 2

Okay, so I got a little flack for my recent post about reverence our husbands.  Many of you have emailed me with serious questions about my elevating my husband to be equal with God. 

That is not at all what I was going for.  Let me explain.

Suppose someone showed up at your door.  Suppose it was someone you have always held in high regard.  What if it was your grandfather?  Your teenage idol?  A Christian musical artist you always admired?  What if Jesus Himself showed up at your door? 

Would you let Him in?  How would you treat Him?  Would you give Him the finest chair in the house?  Would you try to make Him feel comfortable?  Would you honor all of His requests? Is there anything He might ask that would be off limits?  Anything you wouldn’t do for Him?  What if He asked for the last piece of cake?  What if He wanted you to fix His flat tire in a downpour?  Or to give some money to that hateful old woman next door?  What if He asked for something you’ve never done before … something uncomfortable?  Would you look at Him with reverence or repulsion?  Enthrallment or disgust?  Would you question his reasons for asking? 

All I’m saying, ladies, is that our husbands symbolize Christ; they are God’s holy representatives, placed in charge of our marriages and our families.   We are commanded to treat them accordingly. 

No, I am not suggesting that we bow down and worship our husbands, but that we treat them with reverence (holy fear and awe) and that we treat them like royalty (because they are); eagerly and enthusiastically please them, body and soul, no matter what. 

If we do not reverence our husbands, we will surely answer for it in Heavenly judgement… in a BIG way. 

That’s all I’m saying.  I hope this clears it up.      

Reverence Him? Really??

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

A few months ago my husband and I attended my cousin’s wedding.  The entire affair consisted of the usual wedding hoopla, the ceremony, the reception, the cake, the “Chicken Dance,” you get the picture. 

Anyway, we were sitting with a few of my favorite old aunts at the reception, when one of them said (about the bride), “she’s a lucky one.  She really found a good guy.  He worships the ground she walks on.”  

I couldn’t help thinking that my dear old auntie had the wrong idea of how it’s supposed to work. 

I want to talk about reverence today.  There are many places in scripture where God instructs wives to respect their husbands.  I have been to many women’s conferences where the speakers were hammering home the idea of respect and submission, to swuch an extreme that I sometimes find myself rolling my eyes and saying, “Alright!   Stop!  I get it already!!” 

However, none of these speakers have, in my recollection, spoken about reverence.  It’s as though we don’t even realize the word is there.  I mean it’s hidden there among the other words, so we tend to gloss over it quickly.  Besides, it isn’t really that important compared to the big “S” (Submission – Ooooooh  I said it again!), right?  No one talks about it so it must not be a vital component for wives. Also, in today’s society it just doesn’t work.   I just isn’t meant for us today … it has to be a mistake.   Right?

Wrong.

Well, then, what does it really mean?

Ummm … it means what it says.  No mistake.

Ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.

Reverence. verb.

1. worship;
2. regard with feelings of respect and reverence; consider hallowed or exalted or be in awe of;
3. hold sacred;
4. regard highly; think much of;
5. show devotion to (a deity);

Holy Moley!!  Wait … WHAT????!!!!??!?!

I know, I know.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, too.

I’m supposed to REVERENCE him??!?

Yes, ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.  This goes far beyond respect.  This is a matter of being in awe of who he is.  Marveling at his body, his mind, his essence. It means having a worshipful (yes, you read that correctly) attitude toward him.  It means being eager to do whatever will make him happy.  It means having that “I can’t wait to get near him and do whatever he asks me to do. 

I know what some of you are thinking … “She’s gone crazy.”  “She’s taking this to extremes.”  “She obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

You might also be saying, “But, you don’t know what I go through every day.”  “But, that just isn’t realistic in today’s world.”  “But, my husband is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve respect or reverence or anything else!”

But … But …

But you know what?  Back when I didn’t think much of the submission / reverence idea, my marriage was very un-spectacular.  It was okay, but it wasn’t great.  My husband treated me like most husbands treat their wives; with respect and fear. 

After I started to become accustomed to surrendering myself to the Word of God, and began to submit to my husband, and yes, began to reverence him, something amazing happened.  God turned my marriage around. 

Now my husband loves me like I never thought possible.  He can’t wait to come home to me at the end of the day. He leads our family like a man.  I no longer stand in his way. 

Instead, I honor him; I respect him; I can’t wait to get at him and cling to him, to wrap myself around him and communicate with him; to listen to him; to touch him everywhere, to kiss him everywhere, to breathe in in everything that he is and give him everything I have to give, mind, body, and soul.  Yes, to act worshipful toward him (reverence him).  I can’t wait to be as close to him as possible, to show him how eager I am to know him and how much I am in awe of him and how much I yearn to please him. 

I’m not talking about being a doormat for abuse or being a mindless trollop who does nothing but offer herself to a man hoping he will accept her.  I’m talking about a wife’s responsibility according to God’s Biblical commands.  I’m talking about fulfilling our roles as godly wives.  I’m talking about regarding as holy the man God chose to be your husband.     

The word is reverence.   It’s in the Bible.  It is no mistake.  And ladies, by reverencing our husbands, we are reverencing the Lord God Himself.  Keep that in mind today when your husband comes home.  I know I will.