About A Six

"About a six, I guess."

WHAT??? A SIX??!!??

That's the answer Lew (husband) gave me when I asked him to rate our love life on a scale of 1 to 10.

He gave us a six.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  Not only wasn't it a ten, but it was about  a six, which means it probably wasn't even quite as good as a six.

When I pressed him for more details, he was very reluctant to share because, well, we all know how I get.  But he did share some reasons for his rating, none of which should have surprised me, and all of which gave me much to think about.

What did he share? 

• Sex is predictable and always on my terms, never on his.  A while ago I promised to improve in this area, but I never did.  He has desires that I don't understand, and while I paid him lip-service and promised to take his needs more seriously by learning how to do some "things," I never did learn.  Instead, I ignored the subject, hoping it would go away.  True.

• Spontaneity has gone out the window by way of housework and children.  He agrees that the children must be a priority, but I had made them a priority above and beyond our marriage.  True.

So, what would he have ranked me back then?  Probably around a nine (although I didn't ask him, I remember those days too, and it truly did seem far better).

What happened, and why didn't he ever say anything?

He did, actually, say something.  A lot of somethings.  Over and over again.  Over the past ten years or so we have had this conversation in one form or another.

When I was a "9," I paid close attention to him.  I couldn't wait to see him return from work.  I was bursting with joy to see him. I was more than eager to rip off his clothes and do whatever he asked.  I felt free to be naked and unashamed with him. He seemed absolutely head over heels in love with me, and would do anything I asked as well.

In the time that followed, things became quite different.  I was tired, cranky, and I felt unattractive, even though he did his very best to assure me otherwise.  I didn't want to be adventurous in bed.  There were only a few items on my sexual menu, and only those things were authorized for use in our bed.  I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I said "no" to everything else. He wanted to be free in my presence, but somehow he became inhibited in expressing himself because he was often humiliated by my reaction.  As a result he has suppressed his interest in sex. 

Who could blame him?

After all, how long would I have continued to ask for sex before giving up?  But it wasn't just asking for sex.  It was my disregard for his needs that was the tipping point. 

Lew gave up.  While he used to pursue me passionately and diligently, he became passive.  He waited until I came to him for affection. It turns out he found it much easier (less humiliating?) to just wait until I wanted sex.  Then he would give me only what I wanted, without asking for anything more. 

What did I want?

I wanted release.  Orgasm.  Plain and simple.  I didn't really want him.  I just wanted it.   I adopted a "this far and NO farther" policy in bed.  If I truly wanted him, he explained, I would want every square inch of him with all five senses, like he wanted me. And he truly did want me that way, if only I had allowed it.  

He finally resigned himself to living with "about a six."

What did I do?  How did I fix it?

I confessed to him and asked his forgiveness.  Then I asked him to help me learn how to be more open sexually. 

I vowed to do something just for him at least once a week. And not just a half-hearted attempt, just to say I did it.  I mean really  do it.  Learn how to make him satisfied. 

I started researching blogs and online article on marital intimacy and started applying what I learned in my own marriage.

Am I a "9" again?  Probably not.  But I am getting there, and Lew and I are growing in intimacy every day.

Wives, I encourage you to find out what your husband wants and learn to give him some of what he wants.  Trust me.  Your home will be a better place as a result.

Reverence, Part 2

Okay, so I got a little flack for my recent post about reverence our husbands.  Many of you have emailed me with serious questions about my elevating my husband to be equal with God. 

That is not at all what I was going for.  Let me explain.

Suppose someone showed up at your door.  Suppose it was someone you have always held in high regard.  What if it was your grandfather?  Your teenage idol?  A Christian musical artist you always admired?  What if Jesus Himself showed up at your door? 

Would you let Him in?  How would you treat Him?  Would you give Him the finest chair in the house?  Would you try to make Him feel comfortable?  Would you honor all of His requests? Is there anything He might ask that would be off limits?  Anything you wouldn’t do for Him?  What if He asked for the last piece of cake?  What if He wanted you to fix His flat tire in a downpour?  Or to give some money to that hateful old woman next door?  What if He asked for something you’ve never done before … something uncomfortable?  Would you look at Him with reverence or repulsion?  Enthrallment or disgust?  Would you question his reasons for asking? 

All I’m saying, ladies, is that our husbands symbolize Christ; they are God’s holy representatives, placed in charge of our marriages and our families.   We are commanded to treat them accordingly. 

No, I am not suggesting that we bow down and worship our husbands, but that we treat them with reverence (holy fear and awe) and that we treat them like royalty (because they are); eagerly and enthusiastically please them, body and soul, no matter what. 

If we do not reverence our husbands, we will surely answer for it in Heavenly judgement… in a BIG way. 

That’s all I’m saying.  I hope this clears it up.      

Reverence Him? Really??

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

A few months ago my husband and I attended my cousin’s wedding.  The entire affair consisted of the usual wedding hoopla, the ceremony, the reception, the cake, the “Chicken Dance,” you get the picture. 

Anyway, we were sitting with a few of my favorite old aunts at the reception, when one of them said (about the bride), “she’s a lucky one.  She really found a good guy.  He worships the ground she walks on.”  

I couldn’t help thinking that my dear old auntie had the wrong idea of how it’s supposed to work. 

I want to talk about reverence today.  There are many places in scripture where God instructs wives to respect their husbands.  I have been to many women’s conferences where the speakers were hammering home the idea of respect and submission, to swuch an extreme that I sometimes find myself rolling my eyes and saying, “Alright!   Stop!  I get it already!!” 

However, none of these speakers have, in my recollection, spoken about reverence.  It’s as though we don’t even realize the word is there.  I mean it’s hidden there among the other words, so we tend to gloss over it quickly.  Besides, it isn’t really that important compared to the big “S” (Submission – Ooooooh  I said it again!), right?  No one talks about it so it must not be a vital component for wives. Also, in today’s society it just doesn’t work.   I just isn’t meant for us today … it has to be a mistake.   Right?

Wrong.

Well, then, what does it really mean?

Ummm … it means what it says.  No mistake.

Ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.

Reverence. verb.

1. worship;
2. regard with feelings of respect and reverence; consider hallowed or exalted or be in awe of;
3. hold sacred;
4. regard highly; think much of;
5. show devotion to (a deity);

Holy Moley!!  Wait … WHAT????!!!!??!?!

I know, I know.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, too.

I’m supposed to REVERENCE him??!?

Yes, ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.  This goes far beyond respect.  This is a matter of being in awe of who he is.  Marveling at his body, his mind, his essence. It means having a worshipful (yes, you read that correctly) attitude toward him.  It means being eager to do whatever will make him happy.  It means having that “I can’t wait to get near him and do whatever he asks me to do. 

I know what some of you are thinking … “She’s gone crazy.”  “She’s taking this to extremes.”  “She obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

You might also be saying, “But, you don’t know what I go through every day.”  “But, that just isn’t realistic in today’s world.”  “But, my husband is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve respect or reverence or anything else!”

But … But …

But you know what?  Back when I didn’t think much of the submission / reverence idea, my marriage was very un-spectacular.  It was okay, but it wasn’t great.  My husband treated me like most husbands treat their wives; with respect and fear. 

After I started to become accustomed to surrendering myself to the Word of God, and began to submit to my husband, and yes, began to reverence him, something amazing happened.  God turned my marriage around. 

Now my husband loves me like I never thought possible.  He can’t wait to come home to me at the end of the day. He leads our family like a man.  I no longer stand in his way. 

Instead, I honor him; I respect him; I can’t wait to get at him and cling to him, to wrap myself around him and communicate with him; to listen to him; to touch him everywhere, to kiss him everywhere, to breathe in in everything that he is and give him everything I have to give, mind, body, and soul.  Yes, to act worshipful toward him (reverence him).  I can’t wait to be as close to him as possible, to show him how eager I am to know him and how much I am in awe of him and how much I yearn to please him. 

I’m not talking about being a doormat for abuse or being a mindless trollop who does nothing but offer herself to a man hoping he will accept her.  I’m talking about a wife’s responsibility according to God’s Biblical commands.  I’m talking about fulfilling our roles as godly wives.  I’m talking about regarding as holy the man God chose to be your husband.     

The word is reverence.   It’s in the Bible.  It is no mistake.  And ladies, by reverencing our husbands, we are reverencing the Lord God Himself.  Keep that in mind today when your husband comes home.  I know I will.  

  

"Every Thing," Specifically

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. – Ephesians 5:24

I always get stuck here.  Not on the verse as a whole, but on the last two words, “every thing.”  This means big and little things.  It means pleasant things and unpleasant things.  It means beautiful things and ugly things. 

When I signed on as a wife, I promised before God and 100+ witnesses to do these things as Lew’s wife.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that God has instructed me to be subject to my husband in every thing.  Admittedly, I don’t always want to do every thing for my husband.  I only wish to do the things I’m comfortable doing.  You know, the pleasant things … the nice things.

I will gladly cook for him, clean the house, do the laundry, etc.  But when it comes to things that I feel uneasy about?  Well, that’s another story.  After all, I’m his wife, not his servant. 

Wait a minute.

When Jesus saw that His disciples’ feet were dirty, he washed them (a very lowly, demeaning job in those days).  When the people were hungry, He cooked fish and fed them.  When His Father told Him to die on the cross for my sins, He humbled Himself and did it.

Why, then, would I withhold things from my husband that he has asked me to do?  After all, Jesus was subject to His Father, no questions asked.  The church is subject to Jesus (well, at least it’s supposed to be).  I am subject to my husband in the same manner. 

When Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, He knew it was the lowest job He could do.  But He did it.  He gladly served.  When God the Father told Him He would be put to death, He did it. 

When Lew asked me to do some specific things, I rebelled against him.  I did not want to submit to his authority concerning those particular things.  Those “things,” to me, were not part of the “every thing” mentioned in the Bible.  Oh, sure I would do it once in a while for, say, 15 seconds, just to pacify him, and to make myself feel like I was being a submissive wife (“Well I checked THAT off my list.  I hope he’s happy now”).  I was relieved, he felt guilty, everyone was happy.  Right?   Boy did I have a lot to learn. 

I went on like this until I noticed a change. 

Lew stopped asking for “it.”  In fact, he stopped asking for sex completely.  I was the one who initiated sex.  Of course he would always indulge me, but he never, ever asked for anything.  Never initiated.  I was in charge of when, where, how, and IF we had sex. 

Then a woman at church gave me Debi Pearl’s book “Created To Be His Helpmeet.”  I read it and was convicted.  I was a rebellious wife.  I had not submitted to my husband in every thing, and now my dear husband was wounded.  So wounded that he stopped trying for the very thing that makes him feel like a man.    

What did I do?

First, I went to Lew, and asked him to forgive me. I confessed that I rebelled against God and against him.  He confided that he felt guilty and ashamed to ask for specific things he was longing for, because he was afraid (no, actually he KNEW) what my reaction would be. 

Let me be clear, ladies.  Our husbands should never, EVER feel guilty or ashamed about expressing their desires to us.  They should NEVER fear rejection from their own wives.  They should feel secure in the knowledge that we love them and reverence them, and that we take joy in giving them pleasure. 

Then I decided to go ahead a do those specific things he had asked for but I didn’t feel like doing. 

You know what?

It was hard.  It was embarrassing.  It was awkward.  But he was amazing.  He was appreciative.  He was very supportive.  He guided me through it and I learned, and I grew.  And we grew closer and more intimate than ever before.   

Now that I have made up my mind to dive in with abandon and take care of my husband’s specific needs, I enjoy giving my husband pleasure and serving him in whatever way he desires.  He would never ask me to do anything unbiblical or immoral.  He won’t bring pornography or a third person into our marriage bed, so why wouldn’t I be thrilled to enjoy every inch of the man God meant me to be with?  

I will gladly serve my husband in every thing. 

So ladies, what has your husband asked you to do?  Is it pleasant or unpleasant?  Are you willing to be subject to God and your husband?  You’ll be surprised how enjoyable it is when you finally abandon yourself to His will.

  

Wife or House-wife?

I'm a housewife.  What a mistake!!!

Now, before you get mad at me for knocking housewives, hear me out. 

When Lew and I got married, I made a vow to be faithful to him until death parts us.  Well, I've broken that vow time after time. 

You see, as much as I love my husband (and I do love him desperately), there is another love in my life.

It's my house. 

Yes, I often put my house far above my family, far above my husband, and sometimes far above the time I spend talking with my Heavenly Father. 

Sometimes I won't even consider doing anything with my husband until the house is in order.  It's like my life revolves around making my house happy instead of making my husband happy. I have become a house-wife instead of my husband's wife.

I need to start making Lew happy.  I have to spend (1) a lot more time with God, (2) spend a lot more time being a wife, and (3) spend a lot less time trying to make my house perfect.

Being married to my house won't win anyone to Jesus.  But being married to my husband just might set a good example for another struggling wife.  And that is HUGE. 

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. (1 Corinthians 11:8-9)

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12:4)

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5:24)

__________________________________________________________

You might also like to read some of these posts from my archive:

Willing To Learn - Are you willing to learn new things to benefit your marriage? 

Ephesians 5:22 - My (very) brief opinion of this wonderful verse.  

Why I Submit - Let go and submit.  You'll be glad you did!

The Heart Of Her Husband - Proverbs 31:11

Every so often I dabble with the idea of being a Proverbs 31 woman.  I mean, it is the ultimate goal as a Christian wife, isn't it?  She's the crown jewel of wives, the woman every man wants and every woman wants to become.  So, armed with that knowledge, I press on toward my goal (at least one of them) of becoming a better wife by studying the 31st chapter of Proverbs.

As I was reading recently I felt a tug on my heart as I pondered this verse.

The heart of her husband trusteth in her, And he shall have no lack of gain.  (Proverbs 31:11)

Okay, so it was more like a shovel to the face than a tug on the heart.  I must have read this chapter a bazillion times without once realizing my husband had anything to do with me and Proverbs 31.  Apparently he does have something to do with it ...quite an important something.

You see, this woman's husband trusts her from the deepest part of himself.  His heart actually feels trust in her. Wow.


What about my husband's heart?  Does his heart feel the same trust in me?  Have I done the things it takes to earn this kind of trust?  Have I been this kind of woman? 

In my mind this verse goes far more deep than mere trust.  It demands a high calling of me - it charges me with the care of my husband's heart.  My husband has a heart for God and His kingdom.  If his heart doesn't trust in me ... wow.  Just wow.


It causes me to think ... really think.  What kind of relationship does Lew (husband) have with me?  Does he trust me enough to share everything?

No.  I'm afraid not.

He often refrains from sharing what is on his heart.  Perhaps it's because of his pledge as a Christian husband to sacrifice for me, or perhaps it's because he's afraid of my reaction, as my past reactions have been less than nice.  Perhaps he has just given up trying to share his heart because of the way I disrespect him with my snide little comments. 


You see, when left to my own devices I tend to be selfish.  I want my house a certain way.  I want to sit and do what I want to do, often having no idea what he is doing to keep the household going.  Then I sweep through the family and rip everyone to pieces when everything isn't exactly right. When he disagrees with me I either shout at him or cry.  No wonder his heart doesn't feel safe enough to trust me.

Add to that the biting comments and put downs, and you have a carefully crafted disaster.  I hear myself saying these awful things to him, but he never strikes back. 

He is a wonderful husband.  I am his wife.  I should work harder to provide an atmosphere in which his heart can trust in me.

Help-Meet or Hinderance

I wonder sometimes if I am truly a help meet to my husband, Lew.  I know there are areas where he is frustrated and he needs me to help him.  I was given to him, not the other way around. Therefore it is my job to help him in any way I can.

Many times I don't help him.  Instead, I put off, avoid, and argue.  I do many things, but I do not help.

What is my problem??

Why don't I help my husband?  Why do I hinder him in so many ways?

The fact is if I help him ...

• he will be happier.
• he will be less likely to look outside the marriage for "certain" kinds of help.
• I will be obeying the Lord.

I have to get my act together and do my job.  I am the help meet.

Proverbs 14:1 - Am I A Builder?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

This verse is on my agenda right now. I can't help but question whether I'm a builder of my house or a tearer-downer. 

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes my family gets on my nerves.  Yeah, I know.  It's hard to imagine that someone as patient and content as I am could say something like that.

I know deep down in my heart that much of the problem lies within me.  I'm selfish.  My selfishness prevents me from building my house.  I'm too busy building my hobbies, my reading list, my Facebook community (ahem), playing my games (ummm ... Yes, GardenDesign 4.0 is a game just like GuitarHero.  Maybe not as action packed or so called "stupid," but it is a game nonetheless, and I spend far too much time indulging myself into the wee hours), and on and on.  My husband and family need me to build my house by doing some things ...

Cooking and cleaning (hubby does his share as well, believe me)
Raising children,
Loving my husband,
Teaching younger wives,
Keeping my finances in order.

There are others for sure, but these were at the top of my head and the tip of my fingers.

I should be doing these things instead of getting lost for hours and hours on the computer or in a good book without any idea what's going on around me.

And speaking of a Good Book, what about when I spend all day researching Bible topics and I don't pay attention to anything around me?  Not the kids, not the meals, not the husband, not anything?  Am I sinning then?  Am I tearing down my house?

Ouch.

I do that ALL THE TIME.

I better pay more attention to how I go about my day.  I have to heed the Word of God and build up my house rather than tear it down with my own hands like a fool.

The Frump

I've been feeling like a bit of a frump lately.  My wardrobe needs a slight tweek; my hair and makeup as well.  And how about that frock I keep wearing to bed?  My husband can't get in there with a crowbar let alone his own two hands.

I need to think about the way Lew likes me to dress.  I should wear clothing that is appealing to him.  Not all the time (like when I'm going to get muddy in the garden), but quite often.

I should take into account his opinion and his need for visual appeal (men are visual creatures, you know).

When He Wants More

Okay, it's gonna be another sex post.

What do you do when your husband wants more in bed than you want to give him?

A: Let him live without it.  He's a grown man and he needs to suck it up and live with disappointment for the rest of his life. This is a dangerous way of thinking.  Husbands have needs and us wives were given to them as a helper, for this very reason (among others).

B: Tell him it's okay for him to find what he needs somewhere else.Even more dangerous.  To bring a third party into the one-flesh union is not godly, is not biblical.  DON'T DO IT.  Besides, he wants you to "do him," not someone else.

C: Learn to reverence your husband and stop withholding something he needs. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. (1 Cor 7:5)  Whatever it is, start doing it.  If you don't know how, ask him to help you or read a book, but for goodness sake stop denying your husband something he is desiring. 


That's my rant for today.

 

He's So Good To Me

We are taking a short trip, and there are a million things that have to be done.  Packing, organizing, cooking-ahead, dog-sitter, etc.

One of the things I never have to worry about it preparing our car for the trip.  Lew always takes care of those things. He makes sure the oil is changed, the AC is working, the tires are filled, the gas tank is full, and the bag of change is ready for tolls.

He's my guy and I love him!  (Maybe I'll show him just how much I love him later today)

Walking and Talking

Lew and I went for a nice walk after dinner tonight.  We held hands and strolled leisurely down the path at a park near our house (well, okay, 3 miles from our house).  It was wonderful to just be near the man I love, holding hands, chatting about stuff. <insert long sigh here>

Do you take time out of your busy life to walk at leisure with your man?

"I don't do anything fancy."

When my husband takes on one of my hair brained ideas and decides to make something for the house - something out of wood - he does the very best he can do. 

There are certain things he does very well and certain thing he ... well ... doesn't.  Building a level, straight end table with a drawer is one of those things.

"I don't do anything fancy," he said.

Meanwhile I kept piling little "extras" on to the project.  Things like a shelf and a "half shelf," a flush-fitting drawer, tapered legs, and a fancy, routed edge.

While he did all the things I asked for, I wasn't able to accept his mantra, "I don't do anything fancy."

Well, the end table came out ... interesting.  Not at all what I expected.  It works extremely well as an end table.  It has 2 full shelves and a drawer (not flush-fitting).  The legs are straight.  It is a beautiful table, and it graces the side of my rocker quite nicely.  Even though it isn't at all what I pictured when I spewed my detailed instructions to a man who said over and over, "I don't do anything fancy."

He did his very best work.  And I love him. And I need to learn to accept that when he conveys his limitations over and over and over.  He means it.

Learning to Laugh

I used to get mad at Lew for doing silly things that embarrassed me. Like when he wore "that t-shirt" to church, or when he and the girls walked around the block wearing makeshift wedding veils.

Any more I just chalk it up to his personality and the way he goes about his life.  I knew he was a bit of a loon when I agreed to marry him, so why should I be embarrassed when I see him playing out his lifestyle in front of me (and the entire neighborhood)?

Anyway, I've learned to be thankful for the silly boy who won my heart, and I try not to take these embarrassing moments personally.

Buck Naked Marriage

Lew and I are reading Buck Naked Marriage by Dr. Corey Allen.  He's a Christian author who has written several books about marriage. 

We're reading this particular book together because of it's strong, straightforward advice for married couples.  It's great to spend time learning together and sharing our thoughts as we improve our relationship.

What books have you read that helped you improve your marriage?