There was a point during the workshop when the question came up, "Do you love your spouse the way you promised you would?"
I felt a sudden wave come over me like I was either going to faint or cry. Or maybe a little of both.
My short answer was "no."
Now here's my long answer.
I have made promises along the way that I intended to keep. I also made promises I had no intention of keeping. Basically, I have not loved my husband the way I promised to. I have given him false hope that some day I would get around to doing this or learning that when in fact I have never had any intention of doing any of it.
Why do I operate under false pretenses like this? I know he longs for me to be the wife I promised him I'd be, to learn how to please him and love him, and to do the things I said I would do, but when it comes down to action I chicken out because I prefer to take the easy way out. I don't like to put myself out or make myself feel uncomfortable in any way. It doesn't matter that the person I made promises to is my own husband, the man who is supposed to trust me more than anyone else. If I don't feel like doing it, you might as well forget about it. It isn't going to happen. Ever.
Well, that's about to change. Lew (husband) is going to find himself married to a different woman and he isn't going to know what hit him. First I'll have to attend to a few essential details so he doesn't suspect that I've replaced myself with a clone.
1. I'm going to confess and ask forgiveness, from God and from Lew.
2. I'm going to ask him (again) what he wants from me as his wife - what will make him happy.
3. I'm going to do those things.
4. I'm going to learn (and practice) those things I don't know how to do.
I'm going to love him the way I promised I would.
The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)
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