I Should Have Let Him Know Me

I was a gate keeper.  I was never a refuser.  There is a difference.  A refuser says no to sex.  A gate keeper says yes to sex but no to anything new.  I was a gate keeper. 

It almost destroyed me when I discovered the truth.  I was devastated because I realized what I was missing out on, and because I realized it was too late.  My first husband had died having never experienced the pleasures of sexual fulfillment. 

Yes, we would make love often, and yes it was satisfying.  But it wasn't fulfilling for him.  I said no to some requests that, as I look back on it, should have been no big deal for me.  He asked, begged, pleaded for it.  I debated him and kept that gate closed for a long time. 

Then he died suddenly, never having been granted the closeness, the oneness, the intimacy he so desperately needed from me. 

I will not do that to my new husband, Lew.  He will know me and I will know him.  I will get to know and accept him intellectually, spiritually, socially, and sexually in every way possible. 

The Bible says we should be one flesh.  That means I should know every crease in his mind and body the same way I know my own, and he likewise should know mine.  How am I supposed to do that if I won't even look closely at him? (ALL OF HIM)  How is he supposed to know me when I shudder every time he shows interest in looking at (all of) me closely?  Touching and kissing me intimately?

Why would I keep that gate closed?  Does it glorify God to disallow my husband (whom I am instructed to reverence and submit to) access to my body so he can know me?  Is it a good thing to say no to touching and kissing him intimately? 

My first husband never asked me to do anything that would cause me physical harm, and yet I was a gate keeper to all things sexual.  I wouldn't let him get away with his "perverted little acts."  Funny, it turned out he was right and I was in sin.  It wasn't perverted - it was intimate.  I should have known him more the way he needed.  I should have let him know me.

It's time we realize that God celebrates with us when we allow ourselves to relinquish the keys to the gate and allow ourselves and our husbands full access to each other with all five senses..  Naked and unashamed.
I will not be the one responsible for our one flesh union asunder.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)