WHAT??? A SIX??!!??
That's the answer Lew (husband) gave me when I asked him to rate our love life on a scale of 1 to 10.
He gave us a six.
Needless to say, I was devastated. Not only wasn't it a ten, but it was about a six, which means it probably wasn't even quite as good as a six.
When I pressed him for more details, he was very reluctant to share because, well, we all know how I get. But he did share some reasons for his rating, none of which should have surprised me, and all of which gave me much to think about.
What did he share?
- Sex is predictable and always on my terms, never on his. A while ago I promised to improve in this area, but I never did. He has desires that I don't understand, and while I paid him lip-service and promised to take his needs more seriously by learning how to do some "things," I never did learn. Instead, I ignored the subject, hoping it would go away. True.
- Spontaneity has gone out the window by way of housework and children. He agrees that the children must be a priority, but I had made them a priority above and beyond our marriage. True.
So, what would he have ranked me back then? Probably around a nine (although I didn't ask him, I remember those days too, and it truly did seem far better).
What happened, and why didn't he ever say anything?
He did, actually, say something. A lot of somethings. Over and over again. Over the past ten years or so we have had this conversation in one form or another.
When I was a "9," I paid close attention to him. I couldn't wait to see him return from work. I was bursting with joy to see him. I was more than eager to rip off his clothes and do whatever he asked. I felt free to be naked and unashamed with him. He seemed absolutely head over heels in love with me, and would do anything I asked as well.
In the time that followed, things became quite different. I was tired, cranky, and I felt unattractive, even though he did his very best to assure me otherwise. I didn't want to be adventurous in bed. There were only a few items on my sexual menu, and only those things were authorized for use in our bed. I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I said "no" to everything else. He wanted to be free in my presence, but somehow he became inhibited in expressing himself because he was often humiliated by my reaction. As a result he has suppressed his interest in sex.
Who could blame him?
After all, how long would I have continued to ask for sex before giving up? But it wasn't just asking for sex. It was my disregard for his needs that was the tipping point.
Lew gave up. While he used to pursue me passionately and diligently, he became passive. He waited until I came to him for affection. It turns out he found it much easier (less humiliating?) to just wait until I wanted sex. Then he would give me only what I wanted, without asking for anything more.
What did I want?
I wanted release. Orgasm. Plain and simple. I didn't really want him. I just wanted it. I adopted a "this far and NO farther" policy in bed. If I truly wanted him, he explained, I would want every square inch of him with all five senses, like he wanted me. And he truly did want me that way, if only I had allowed it.
He finally resigned himself to living with "about a six."
What did I do? How did I fix it?
I confessed to him and asked his forgiveness. Then I asked him to help me learn how to be more open sexually.
I vowed to do something just for him at least once a week. And not just a half-hearted attempt, just to say I did it. I mean really do it. Learn how to make him satisfied.
I started researching blogs and online article on marital intimacy and started applying what I learned in my own marriage.
Am I a "9" again? Probably not. But I am getting there, and Lew and I are growing in intimacy every day.
Wives, I encourage you to find out what your husband wants and learn to give him some of what he wants. Trust me. Your home will be a better place as a result.
