My Story

I have been given a glorious second chance.  My Lord and Savior has granted me the grace to allow me to begin again.  My life, and my marriage, are "do-overs."

When my husband and I recited our vows I thought I had the whole world in my pocket.  I had just married the man of my dreams, I had a good job, we were moving into a very nice but very modest house.  All was well with my world.  Until ...

Gradually our happy, wonderful life began to slip away from us. After three children  I was feeling as though I was losing control.  He was becoming a grumbling, miserable man and I was becoming a selfish control freak.  It did not happen overnight, but rather slowly, in a stealthy way that neither of us noticed.  Well, at least I didn't notice.

He would ask me to do things for him that were inconvenient at the time, so I would put him off, hoping he would let it slide or do it himself.

I would let him cook, wash dishes, take care of the children,  while I sat in my chair and read, or stared at a computer screen.  He didn't complain, so I thought everything was good.  Still, on the inside I felt a tug of guilt, knowing that I was shirking my duties as a wife.

He counted on me to be there for him time after time after time.  But time after time I was only there for myself and what I wanted.

He would ask me for sexual favors and I would brush him off, not wanting to step outside of my comfort zone.  Don't misunderstand me, I enjoyed sex, but I wanted it the way I wanted it, and even though he seemed okay and satisfied, he still wanted something different.  I never understood that.

I gave him sex about once a week, with the lights off, same few things, same two positions, no extras, no experimentation.  Both of us were "satisfied."  Right??

Still, there was the grumbling, the overall sadness in his overall being that I couldn't figure out.  I could sense him slipping away from me, but I couldn't stop him.  Equally, I could hear and see myself saying and doing awful things but I wasn't able to stop myself.  We were, as many couples do, falling away from one another.

Then he was gone.  He went to sleep one night, and never woke up in the morning.

I can't possibly tell you all the things that went through my mind over the next few hours as the emergency crews came and took his body, and I had the unforgettable experience of calling the funeral director.  And calling my mother-in-law to tell her the dreadful news.  I was alone with three children.

A good friend came and stayed for a few days, taking care of everything from feeding the children to making beds.  It gave me a bit of time to think.  As I sat in the silence of the afternoon sun on the deck, I began to have the most clear, awful, astonishing realization about my marriage.

In the eleven years of our marriage, I had never been a submissive wife.  Never.  He lead our in a biblical way, but I did not follow.  I held to my selfish ways because I wanted what I wanted, regardless of the plan God had put in place for our marriage.  My husband had a clear vision, but I refused it, and refused him, so many times I cannot possibly put a number on them.

What in the world was I thinking?  He was my husband. When he proposed, I said yes.  Yes to being his wife, and yes to all that entails. 

Then I proceeded to say "no" to him until the day he died.

Looking back I can see that he loved me as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her.  My husband picked up the slack for me.  When I buried myself in my work or hobbies, he just dug in and did the housework, never complaining.  I was the one who complained.  He went without many things (like new tires on his car) so I could have what I wanted (new drapes, plants for the garden, updated lighting fixtures).

Did I need these things? No.  Did I make it difficult for him to say no?  Yes.  And what did he ask in return?

He said on more than one occasion that he wished for a closer physical bond between us, offering to help me get over any roadblocks I had to intimacy.  He was very convinced that God was leading him to know each  other sexually and emotionally in a very deep way.  He bought books for us to read, most of which I have since read and studied.    

Today I am remarried to a wonderful husband and father, and I have put into practice all of the things I wish so desperately I had done for my first husband.  If I had to do it over again, I would submit to him.  In everything.  Sadly, I cannot live my life as a do-over. 

However, I have a God who has graciously given me a second chance.  I vow here and now to not waste that second chance.