My Wicked Thoughts

OK, I admit it.  I think some, let's say, "not so nice" things at times.  I often do one thing while thinking another. 

Especially where my husband is concerned.  

In spite of what I do for my husband, I know that my motivation isn't always quite right.  Sometimes (no, make that most times) I do things not out of love but to get my own way.

"If I do this for him, eventually he'll get the hint and do this or that for me." 

~ OR ~

"I'm only doing this because the Bible says I'm supposed to submit to my husband."

~ OR ~

"Why can't he be different, better at _________, more like ___________, smarter, stronger, etc..."

 In my marriage I find myself asking those questions far too often.  I say I'm his help-meet. I go through the motions, but my thoughts are not right.  If I treat him (on the outside) like I love him and would do anything for him, but think thoughts against him, like how lazy he is, or how unloving he is, or how much better I am with the kids, or how I wish he would do something better, then my thought life needs to be re-examined BIG TIME.

I may be respectful and submissive on the outside, but inside I'm rebelling against my God and my husband with my whole heart.  I may say that I respect him, but I do not, because I think things against him. I think I'm so clever to pretend I want to obey God by submitting to my husband in everything.  But I do not submit in everything.  In fact, I submit in hardly anything.  And my husband knows it. He can tell I have a deceitful heart.  That's why he doesn't open up, doesn't express his feelings, desires.  My deceitful heart is the reason he doesn't lead.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.  (Romans 6:12)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.  (Philippians 4:8)

I need to start getting my heart right.  I need to focus on my thought life and ask God to help me love my husband and not harbor selfish, wicked thoughts against him by saying/doing one thing, but thinking another.  

Lord God, please help me focus on You.  Examine my heart and help me eliminate any bad thoughts about my husband.  Let me be the help-meet he needs instead of the help-meet I want to give him.  Get rid of my selfishness and let me serve him and You.

In Jesus name,

Amen.