Open or Closed?

Before I jump into today's post, I want to take a moment to apologize to my readers for the somewhat graphic nature of some of my last post.  I did not mean to offend, but rather to  enlighten.  I wanted to share some of my feelings and maybe I went to far in the description or details.  Anyway, I do apologize for that, and will do my very best to keep myself under control.

Now ... on to today's post.

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?  I recently read that couples who sleep with the bedroom door open have more trouble with intimacy than those who close the door.

Hmmmm ....

Lew (husband) and I sleep with our door open on my insistence because I want to hear the girls if they need me in the middle of the night.  Lew likes us to sleep au naturale but we haven't done so in several years because the door to our boudoir is wide

Hmmmm ....

I was more adventurous in bed before we had kids (and began leaving the bedroom door open).

Hmmmm ....

Maybe there is something to this.  Let's examine some possibilities:

If we slept with the door closed ...

• Lew could sleep in the raw.  Maybe he could even convince me to lose the frock and join him.
• Our bedroom would be instantly private, and privacy is always a good thing for married folks.
• We could watch whatever we want on TV.  
• The kids would have to knock before coming in.  It would teach them to respect the boundary of Mom and Dad's private space.

Maybe there is something to this idea of closing the bedroom door.  If we closed our door would we be more free to express ourselves?  Would we have better conversations?  Better couple time?  Hotter sex?  Would I be more willing to love him the way he needs me to?

Probably.

Worth a try.  Don't you think? 

Does My Husband Really Need .......THAT?????

"You need to learn."

That's what my mentor said to me.  I was asking her advice on a very personal matter and she was very upfront with me about what I needed to do.  It wasn't a comfortable conversation, nor was it pleasant advice, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm very blessed with a mentor who is a true Titus 2 woman.  She teaches me and guides me in a very no nonsense way.  She really tells it like it is, unlike many "mentors" out there who will brush many subjects under the rug, or worse yet, will get all high, mighty, and superior.  My lady understands her role, and she teaches me how to love my husband. MY husband.

And because she is so honest and open with me, it's time for me to be honest and open with you.  Let's have a frank discussion about what happens in the bedroom.

Lew (my husband) has asked me about oral sex for a long time (I told you this was going to be a frank discussion).  He wants it.  he wants to do it to me, and he wants me to do it to him.  He wants a no-holds-barred sex life with me, the one he chose to marry.  One the surface it seemed okay, but then when it came down to actually doing it, I backed down.

By "backed down" I mean excuse after excuse.  I put him off for years, and quite successfully.  Or so I thought.  He would ask me for it, and I didn't want to, so I would come up with all kinds of excuses.

I didn't wash.
I'm too tired.
The kids are still awake.
Maybe if we finish doing our work, I'll do that for you.
My friends don't do it.
Wouldn't you rather have intercourse?
I'm too fat.

I thought I was being so clever.  In fact, the only thing I accomplished was to wear my husband down to the point where he wasn't even interested in sex with me anymore.  Instead, he would sneak away for a few minutes to masturbate whenever he felt a sexual urge.  He kept it pretty well hidden, too, until I came right out and asked him. 

He told me he did it because it was easy to imagine my hands and lips on him, pleasuring him in that way.  On the flipside, it was downright brutal to negotiate with me for the same thing.  Further, he said even though I never really bothered to learn how to do it or improve at all even though I promised him I would (truth be told, I just plain stopped doing it for him altogether and thought he was finally okay with that), and that he was just better off pleasing himself than bothering me for it.  He would still have intercourse with me, but when he wanted something else he always did it himself because he couldn't handle the struggle to convince me to give him a few minutes of pleasure. 

"I thought we had a good sex life."  It was all I could think to say.

"Maybe YOU have a good sex life, but WE only have a 'so-so' one," he replied.

My head was spinning.  What was this all about?  I started to read up on sexual frustration in men and found some very interesting facts.

1. Men don't always need intercourse.  Sometimes they just need a fast release that comes from other sexual activities such as oral or manual sex.
2. They get very aroused when we kiss them, especially with our tongues.
3. They tend to have fewer sexual limits than we do. They will do sex with abandon when they are allowed to.
4. They love the taste of female flesh, even to the point of craving it.
5. They long to feel our lips and tongues all over them.

I took my research to Lew, and asked him to help me understand it.  He confirmed it.  There's a lot of truth in the above statements.  

I never knew how important oral sex was to him, or that he was so afraid to confide in me that he wanted me in that way.  Truth is I guess he wants me a whole lot more than I want him.

Anyway, I took my problem (well, our problem) to my mentor.  to say it was awkward would be a serious understatement.  I told her the whole, ugly truth.  Her answer to me was straightforward and abrupt.

"You need to learn."  

"What do I need to learn?"

"You have to learn how to do those things. Those specific things.  You've spent your whole marriage making love to him whatever way you want, and now it's time to learn how to love your husband. You probably don't even really know hat he wants you to do once you get down there, do you?  He isn't a monster - he's your husband.  It's about time you start acting like his wife.  He isn't going to tell his friends, or call you a slut.  The worst thing he will do is show you what he wants if you ask him.  And then he'll be overjoyed that you want to please him that way."

I have to say, I was shocked by her answer.  She advised me to google the things I needed to learn, and to try them out on my Lew.  Not just the usual 30-second kiss-kiss-so-I-can-check-it-off-my-list-until-next-year technique. Sound familiar?

I looked up a few little things and tried them that night. Nothing intense, just something very basic. I never knew it would be so easy to please my husband so much.   He was bursting with love and ecstasy when I crossed over my inhibitions and actually took him in and looked up at him.  He wasn't looking for a porn star performance, just a wife who wasn't afraid to love him. It wasn't gross.  It was wonderful to finally let go and truly abandon myself to my husband.

He told me he felt more love for me afterward than any other time in our marriage.  And you know what?  I didn't have to be masterful at it.  I just tried something and he helped me get it right.

I love my husband. 

**If you haven't found a Titus 2 mentor you really don't know what you're missing.  But a word of caution:  Many older women will be put off by sexual subjects, not finding them appropriate for discussion.  That kind of person is NOT A TITUS 2 WOMAN.  She must be someone who will teach you how to love your husband.  That means what it means, and it most definitely does NOT exclude sex.