Like I Promised

Recently my husband and I attended a marriage workshop that was part of the re|engage marriage curriculum.  I attended reluctantly as I don't enjoy myself when the Holy Spirit convicts me as I listen to speakers and work through the questions.

There was a point during the workshop when the question came up, "Do you love your spouse the way you promised you would?"

I felt a sudden wave come over me like I was either going to faint or cry.  Or maybe a little of both.

My short answer was "no."

Now here's my long answer.

I have made promises along the way that I intended to keep.  I also made promises I had no intention of keeping.  Basically, I have not loved my husband the way I promised to.  I have given him false hope that some day I would get around to doing this or learning that when in fact I have never had any intention of doing any of it.

Why do I operate under false pretenses like this?  I know he longs for me to be the wife I promised him I'd be, to learn how to please him and love him, and to do the things I said I would do, but when it comes down to action I chicken out because I prefer to take the easy way out.  I don't like to put myself out or make myself feel uncomfortable in any way.  It doesn't matter that the person I made promises to is my own husband, the man who is supposed to trust me more than anyone else.  If I don't feel like doing it, you might as well forget about it.  It isn't going to happen.  Ever.

Well, that's about to change.  Lew (husband) is going to find himself married to a different woman and he isn't going to know what hit him.  First I'll have to attend to a few essential details so he doesn't suspect that I've replaced myself with a clone.
1. I'm going to confess and ask forgiveness, from God and from Lew.
2. I'm going to ask him (again) what he wants from me as his wife - what will make him happy.
3. I'm going to do those things.
4. I'm going to learn (and practice) those things I don't know how to do.

I'm going to love him the way I promised I would.

 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

We Are Family?

Are we a family? 

I know that by legal definition we are a family, but are Lew (husband) and I a "family?"  Do I treat him the way I would treat my brother, sister, mother, father?

Recently my father was diagnosed with an irregular heart beat and high blood pressure.  My first response was to call him and ask if he was okay, then offer to come and stay so he could rest.

My sister recently slipped and fell in her driveway, twisting her ankle.  She used crutches for two weeks.  I went to her house every day to help her clean.
 My brother had an accident with his car.  I know he doesn't have much money, so I offered to drive him to work until he was able to get other transportation.

When my mother came down with the flu I made a week's worth of meals, drove to their house (one and a half hours away) and delivered them.


By contrast, when my husband had surgery last month I looked at him with disgust as he sat around the house.  I made him clean the closets and organize the basement.  After all, it was the least he could do since he wasn't doing anything else to help around here. Nevermind that a team of doctors said that he shouldn't lift anything for a few weeks. 

See my point?  I haven't treated my husband like family in his own house.  It's almost as if he's "less than" family and doesn't deserve to be treated as well as them. 

What about you?  Do you give your husband the same love you give your other family?  Do you protect him and provide cover for his weaknesses?  Or do you think about his infirmities with disgust and contempt?  When he is sick, sore and tired, do you let him rest? 

When we marry, we take on a new identity.  We become one flesh with another person.  If our husbands aren't accepted by us as family members, then we will always treat them as bothersome intruders, placed in our lives to disrupt our agendas. 

Let's start to treat our husbands like family.  Sometimes we're the only family they have.

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind: and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart. (Proverbs, 11:29)

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Taste

This is part 5 of 5 in my series The Five Senses of Being His Wife.

What does the sweat on his cheek taste like?  Or his tears after he hears some devastating news?  How do his kisses taste when he first hops into bed?  Have you given him this part of you?  Why are you holding back? 

Intimacy - true intimacy - must be just that.  Intimate.  Lew (husband) is not the kind who will go around demanding that I taste his feet.  Ahhh, but when I decide to kiss my way down his leg and pay attention to his feet, tasting each toe, nibbling his ankles, he becomes a different man.  When I taste his neck, his belly, his thighs, his penis ... I get from him a more intimate husband.  He wants to open up to me more and more.  He is more grateful, more loving. 

I believe God designed him that way.  I believe we as wives are meant to love our husbands with everything we've got.  All five of our senses. 

... to love their husbands ....

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
(Titus 2:4-5)
  
Really?  

When Paul wrote this letter to Titus I'm sure he was specifically addressing the little old ladies of the church when he wrote the above verses.  Those ladies didn't have any hang ups when it came to talking about marriage, submission, or sex.  

They were instructed to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children, to be keepers of their homes, and to obey (yes, O-B-E-Y) their husbands.

My eyes were opened a while ago when Lew (husband) let me know that I was falling short in some areas.  That's when I went openly and honestly to my Titus 2 lady - a woman who isn't ashamed to talk to me in plain language about any thing (and I mean anything).

But as I keep considering the verses in Titus 2, I keep coming back to this thought:

To whom will I give such advice?

The answer came to me recently in a most frightening and eye-opening way.

Lew (husband) had been getting all lovey-dovey for a few days, and had tried several times to get me to go upstairs with him (*wink, wink*).  I kept putting him off, saying that I couldn't spend time with him because there was just too much work to do.  I had to finish the washing the dishes and vacuuming the carpets.  Then there was still laundry to be folded and emails to check.  

One of the girls said to him, "Yeah, Dad.  Get in line.  There's more important stuff than you, ya know!"

... oh, dear ...

That is how I have taught the younger women (my own girls) to love their husbands.

I've shown them (quite well, in fact) that husbands ...
  

• are a low priority (lower on the the list than almost everything else). 
• shouldn't expect their wives to do anything for them. 
• should be okay with waiting a long, long time for sex. 
• are just children who must be controlled by their wives. 
• must do all the work around the house that their wives don't feel like doing. 
• should lead their families the way their wives see fit. 
• must never do anything their wives disagree with.  
• must put up with tantrums whenever their wives are unhappy.

These are the things this Titus 2 woman has taught the younger women (my own daughters) about how to love their husbands. Just by watching their mother, my girls have picked up on my attitude toward Lew, and my rebellion against God.  And because their mother lives her life this way they believe it is the right thing to do.

... oh, dear ...

I have a lot of work to do and a lot of forgiveness to ask for.

 
  
 

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Touch

This is part 4 in a series about the five senses of loving our husbands. 

I don't know about you, but when Lew (husband) touches me it still sends me into orbit.  So much so that I sometimes find it hard to concentrate.  Of course some areas are much more sensitive than others.  For example, when he touches the nape of my neck or strokes my cheek I go crazy and want to take him straight to bed.

It reminds me of how much my hubby loves to be touched.  Of the five love languages, physical touch is his number one.  And I don't mean just a touch on his shirt sleeve.  I'm talking skin-to-skin contact.  He likes me to touch his arm (his actual arm).  He wants me to massage his back.  This is how he most feels loved; reverenced.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  (Ephesians 5:33)

So I reverence my husband in the way I touch him?  Do I treat his body as a wondrous gift from God?  A gift that should be revered by me rather than pushed away?  Do I touch him the way he wants to be touched or do I touch him only in ways I want to touch him?

I'm afraid I'm often guilty of the latter.  I really must get my act together and learn to love my husband the way my  husband requires.

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Smell

 If the whole body were an eye, where were the hearing? If the whole were hearing, where were the smelling? (1 Corinthians 12:17)


What is your husband's scent?  I don't mean cologne or aftershave, but what is his natural scent?  Are you familiar with it? 

When animals choose a mate in the wild, they do so partly by scent.  One reason for this is so that if anything should happen to any of their other senses they will be able to identify safety in the scent of their mate. 

What does your husband's ear smell like?  What about his hands?  His neck?  His stomach?  Feet?  Penis?  Do you ever take a deep breath and soak in the aroma of his hair?  It's unique to him and only him.  He should know your scent as well.

On another note (and to get away from bodily aroma for a moment), is there a scent that hubby enjoys?  Are there ways you can be a better wife  by using these scents?  Does he like the scent of fresh baked pie?  Does he go wild for a certain perfume?  What areas of your body does he tend to smell?  Does he ever breathe deeply and take in all the aromas of you?

I believe God created us to love our husbands with our full beings, and that includes our noses.  We are naturally sensitive to certain aromas and are attracted to our husbands partly because of the way they smell. 

Make sure you know the scent of your man.  Breathe it in.  Appreciate it.  When he's gone, you'll wish you could hold on to it (and him) forever.

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Sound

This is the second post in my series about the fives senses.  Today I want to explore the sense of sound and how it relates to my role as my husband's wife.

Do I listen to Lew (husband)?  I mean really listen?   What does he actually mean when he says we should have pie more often?  (Hint: He probably likes pie.) What does it mean when he says he's going to take a shower before bed?  Or when he compliments the way I look in my new sweater? Do I hear what my beloved is saying in the background of his words?

Am I aware of the sounds he makes on a daily basis?  What do his little sighs, moans, and groans mean?  As his wife, I should know.  I should be enough of a student to at least know how to read the man I married.

Okay, so here's the other side of the coin.

What is he hearing?  What sounds do I make for him to hear?  Do my word build him up or tear him down?
Does he hear me speaking loving words to him, or does he hear mostly complaining and nagging? 

Lord, please help me to hear my husband.  Not just his words, but the heart behind his words.  Help me be a student of him and know him in a way that will bless him. I want to build my house and not tear it down.  Help me use words that will help my husband.  Please let him hear uplifting messages from me.  This I pray in Jesus' name.