He Doesn't Deserve Me.

I'm not what he expected.
I'm not what he bargained for.
I'm certainly not what he wanted.

I know beyond a doubt that Lew (husband) loves me with all his heart.  I because I've experienced his love in the ways he takes care of me and the girls.  I know because I feel the warmth when he holds me.  Not a physical warmth, but a much deeper, "knowing" kind of warmth.

I also know that he never bargained for a wife who would abandon him for things like books, television, women's clubs, the children, my housework, or anything else that's on my personal agenda.

I know that he expected me to follow through on my promises.  I promised to put him before a bunch of other stuff, and to make sure I did all those wifely things he needs me to do - cooking, ironing, shopping.

I know that he has been bitterly disappointed in me because I have led him on, telling him I was willing to grow sexually and learn how to please him when I never had any intention to do so. (... and I think he knows that now, so he stopped asking for any kind of sex whatsoever - what a relief). 

I broke my promises.  I never intended to be the wife he wanted. Not if it meant I would have to do things for him.  After all, I'm the woman in this relationship, and the man is supposed to worship and serve the woman.  Right?  He doesn't serve me, does he?

He works hard so I can have a nicer house than most of my friends.  So what?
He provides food and clothing for me and the kids.  So what?
He keeps the cars gassed-up and repaired.  So what?
He cooks and cleans whenever I'm too tired, or too ticked off to do it.  So what?
He takes up the slack for the tasks I'm supposed to do.  So what?
He protects me when people talk down to me.  So what?
He gives me sex whenever I want it.  So what?

Furthermore, he asks too much of me.

He wants me to spend time with him.
He expects me to do go to bed when he does so we be intimate.
He wants me to open up to new things in bed so we can grow our marriage.
He wants me to read marriage books with him.

That's asking for too much.  

When I married him I did not expect him to treat me the way he does.  He definitely isn't the husband I expected ... or deserve.

Besides, I'm sure when he married me he didn't expect me to treat him like I do.  I may be the woman he desired, but I'm not the wife he wants ... or deserves.