... to love their husbands ....

That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed.
(Titus 2:4-5)
  
Really?  

When Paul wrote this letter to Titus I'm sure he was specifically addressing the little old ladies of the church when he wrote the above verses.  Those ladies didn't have any hang ups when it came to talking about marriage, submission, or sex.  

They were instructed to teach the younger women how to love their husbands and children, to be keepers of their homes, and to obey (yes, O-B-E-Y) their husbands.

My eyes were opened a while ago when Lew (husband) let me know that I was falling short in some areas.  That's when I went openly and honestly to my Titus 2 lady - a woman who isn't ashamed to talk to me in plain language about any thing (and I mean anything).

But as I keep considering the verses in Titus 2, I keep coming back to this thought:

To whom will I give such advice?

The answer came to me recently in a most frightening and eye-opening way.

Lew (husband) had been getting all lovey-dovey for a few days, and had tried several times to get me to go upstairs with him (*wink, wink*).  I kept putting him off, saying that I couldn't spend time with him because there was just too much work to do.  I had to finish the washing the dishes and vacuuming the carpets.  Then there was still laundry to be folded and emails to check.  

One of the girls said to him, "Yeah, Dad.  Get in line.  There's more important stuff than you, ya know!"

... oh, dear ...

That is how I have taught the younger women (my own girls) to love their husbands.

I've shown them (quite well, in fact) that husbands ...
  

• are a low priority (lower on the the list than almost everything else). 
• shouldn't expect their wives to do anything for them. 
• should be okay with waiting a long, long time for sex. 
• are just children who must be controlled by their wives. 
• must do all the work around the house that their wives don't feel like doing. 
• should lead their families the way their wives see fit. 
• must never do anything their wives disagree with.  
• must put up with tantrums whenever their wives are unhappy.

These are the things this Titus 2 woman has taught the younger women (my own daughters) about how to love their husbands. Just by watching their mother, my girls have picked up on my attitude toward Lew, and my rebellion against God.  And because their mother lives her life this way they believe it is the right thing to do.

... oh, dear ...

I have a lot of work to do and a lot of forgiveness to ask for.

 
  
 

The Five Senses of Being His Wife: Touch

This is part 4 in a series about the five senses of loving our husbands. 

I don't know about you, but when Lew (husband) touches me it still sends me into orbit.  So much so that I sometimes find it hard to concentrate.  Of course some areas are much more sensitive than others.  For example, when he touches the nape of my neck or strokes my cheek I go crazy and want to take him straight to bed.

It reminds me of how much my hubby loves to be touched.  Of the five love languages, physical touch is his number one.  And I don't mean just a touch on his shirt sleeve.  I'm talking skin-to-skin contact.  He likes me to touch his arm (his actual arm).  He wants me to massage his back.  This is how he most feels loved; reverenced.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  (Ephesians 5:33)

So I reverence my husband in the way I touch him?  Do I treat his body as a wondrous gift from God?  A gift that should be revered by me rather than pushed away?  Do I touch him the way he wants to be touched or do I touch him only in ways I want to touch him?

I'm afraid I'm often guilty of the latter.  I really must get my act together and learn to love my husband the way my  husband requires.

He's watching me do THAT???

Some facts about God just blow me away.  I’ve always known that God is everywhere, even in the smallest details.  As a kid I learned that He’s watching me and taking care of me and that He wants what’s best for me.  

Recently I had an awesome and somewhat frightening little “a-ha!” moment about God and his everywhere-ness.  It happened while I was serving Lew (husband) by doing something deeply personal and intimate (I think you can guess) that he deeply desires and loves. 

While I was busy serving my hubby the Holy Spirit got a hold of me and whispered in my ear, “Your husband is well pleased with you, and so is your Heavenly Father.” 

Wow!  I never really stopped to think about it, but it’s true.  When the hubby and I are naked and unashamed, God is there.  When we’re naked and one of us is ashamed (mostly me), He is there.  When I dive in and explore sex with abandon, He is there.  When I rationalize all the reasons not  to release myself to sexual abandon, He is there. 

I’ve blogged previously about God’s whereabouts and that He’s always watching and always with us, but this dimension adds a bit more depth to my understanding of exactly how involved God is in our lives. 

Everything I do and every excuse I have, God is either pleased or displeased with me. 

What about you?  Is God please with the details of your life?  Your marriage?  Your thoughts and excuses? 

Does He like the level of intimacy you’ve built with your husband? 

If not, what are you going to do about it?

Grow Up already!!

If God called you to do something new, something different, would you do it for Him?  Many of you immediately answered "yes."  That's a good answer, but are you sure you would do it?  If you're like me you'll say "yes, some day I'll do that for you."  Then you'll never get around to doing it.

I fought that battle with my first husband.  He was a good man.  I struggle with things he was asking me to do.  I would say "yes, I will do that, but first I want to do (A), (B), and (C).  Then I'll do that for you.  He died having never had the gift of me giving my full self to him.  I have many regrets about that.

Now I'm married to another wonderful man who loves me and my girls and to whom I also promise things ... someday.  I'm finding myself falling back into the comfortable routine again.  A routine that centers around me and what I want rather than a routine of serving my husband, and therefore serving God.

God has commanded wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.  This means when my husband asks for something, whether it be another scoop of potatoes, help with taking out the garbage, or something he craves from you in the bedroom (as long as it is not illegal), I am to submit to his request as if God Himself asked me to do it.  If I wouldn't say "no" to God, then I shouldn't say "no" to Lew (husband).

I'm not saying this thinking comes naturally, nor is it easy.  Quite the contrary.  Transforming a lifetime of selfishness into an attitude of submission is hard.  It's uncomfortable.  It will cause stress.  But it is what God expects of wives. 

We are to be our husbands' help-meets.  How can I possibly expect my husband to resist temptation when I am making certain that he is unsatisfied with me?  Someday I'll be ready and willing to do that for you.  or When you've done this and that I'll do that other thing.  Would I ever dare to talk to God that way? 

I would like to say I wouldn't but the truth is that whenever I lead my husband on, telling him that someday I'll do the things he asks when I know in my heart I have no intention of doing them,  I have in fact been deceitful to him as to the Lord.   
 
When Lew stopped initiating sexual intimacy with me, I didn't know what the problem was.  I found out the problem was me.  It wasn't that we never made love, it's just that it was always the same.  We had built a routine, and as many ways as Lew (husband) asked for something else, I had just as many ways of putting him off until he stopped asking altogether. He said "I figure it's pointless to keep asking.  I'm never going to get it anyway."

Just like God will leave a sinner wallowing in his/her sin, so my husband left me wallowing in my decision to stay comfortable and not give him something that he so desperately desired.  We have started to work through it, but I have to tell you it isn't easy.  I'm stretching my comfort zones and he is still very reluctant to make any requests.

I know some of you have done this to your husbands too.  You've put off doing that certain something for him and now he won't ask for it anymore.  It doesn't mean he isn't desperate for it.  It just means he has resigned himself to the fact that you aren't going to be his helper.  He will find other ways to fill the void that would otherwise have been filled by you.  Maybe he will start a new hobby.  Maybe he'll discover video games or pornography.  Maybe he'll seek gratification elsewhere.

If this sounds like you, then I pray that you see the destruction this is causing to your husband and to your marriage, and that God will help you take the first step, second step, third step, and so on to get over yourself and grow up already.  Your husband needs a help-meet in all areas of his life.  You are it.

I'm finally starting to grow up and act like my husband wife.  Won't you do the same?

A Good Wife?

Am I a good wife?  That's a great question.  It's one I've been asking myself lately. 

Do I build up my house, or do I tear it down?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

I'm not always a wise woman. I'm disagreeable.  I complain and argue.  I pluck my house down one complaint at a time.

I should love my husband and submit to him (build up my house), but often I find myself selfishly clinging to what I want instead of giving my all to my husband (pluck down my house).   

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

Lew tries very hard to lead me as he feels led by the Lord. He has been given a vision for our marriage, our intimacy, our oneness.  Sometimes I submit and sometimes I rebel.

Why? Because I want what I want.  I do not want what he is asking of me.  This happens more often than I want to admit.  I give him not what he is asking of me, but only as much as I want to give. Did I mention that I am a selfish woman?

• I'm selfish about my house.  I want it a certain way.  I place it above people sometimes.
• I'm selfish about my time.  When I'm reading I refuse to be interrupted, even if the children are on fire.
• I'm selfish about my body.  I don't give my husband what he needs and desires in the bedroom.  I only give him what I want him to have.

My prayer is that God will continue to work in me to change my selfish heart and help me step outside my comfortable little world into the world of serving and giving to my husband.  I pray daily that He will help me understand that my husband has been given a vision for our marriage and that if I don't follow him we won't enjoy God's best for our marriage.

Take a moment, wives, and consider the vision your husband has been given for your family.  Would it be so bad to obey God by submitting to your husband's authority? Wouldn't it be better to work through your objections and get over them?  Wouldn't it be a good idea to be the wife your husband needs?

My Wicked Thoughts

OK, I admit it.  I think some, let's say, "not so nice" things at times.  I often do one thing while thinking another. 

Especially where my husband is concerned.  

In spite of what I do for my husband, I know that my motivation isn't always quite right.  Sometimes (no, make that most times) I do things not out of love but to get my own way.

"If I do this for him, eventually he'll get the hint and do this or that for me." 

~ OR ~

"I'm only doing this because the Bible says I'm supposed to submit to my husband."

~ OR ~

"Why can't he be different, better at _________, more like ___________, smarter, stronger, etc..."

 In my marriage I find myself asking those questions far too often.  I say I'm his help-meet. I go through the motions, but my thoughts are not right.  If I treat him (on the outside) like I love him and would do anything for him, but think thoughts against him, like how lazy he is, or how unloving he is, or how much better I am with the kids, or how I wish he would do something better, then my thought life needs to be re-examined BIG TIME.

I may be respectful and submissive on the outside, but inside I'm rebelling against my God and my husband with my whole heart.  I may say that I respect him, but I do not, because I think things against him. I think I'm so clever to pretend I want to obey God by submitting to my husband in everything.  But I do not submit in everything.  In fact, I submit in hardly anything.  And my husband knows it. He can tell I have a deceitful heart.  That's why he doesn't open up, doesn't express his feelings, desires.  My deceitful heart is the reason he doesn't lead.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.  (Romans 6:12)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.  (Philippians 4:8)

I need to start getting my heart right.  I need to focus on my thought life and ask God to help me love my husband and not harbor selfish, wicked thoughts against him by saying/doing one thing, but thinking another.  

Lord God, please help me focus on You.  Examine my heart and help me eliminate any bad thoughts about my husband.  Let me be the help-meet he needs instead of the help-meet I want to give him.  Get rid of my selfishness and let me serve him and You.

In Jesus name,

Amen.
  

He Doesn't Deserve Me.

I'm not what he expected.
I'm not what he bargained for.
I'm certainly not what he wanted.

I know beyond a doubt that Lew (husband) loves me with all his heart.  I because I've experienced his love in the ways he takes care of me and the girls.  I know because I feel the warmth when he holds me.  Not a physical warmth, but a much deeper, "knowing" kind of warmth.

I also know that he never bargained for a wife who would abandon him for things like books, television, women's clubs, the children, my housework, or anything else that's on my personal agenda.

I know that he expected me to follow through on my promises.  I promised to put him before a bunch of other stuff, and to make sure I did all those wifely things he needs me to do - cooking, ironing, shopping.

I know that he has been bitterly disappointed in me because I have led him on, telling him I was willing to grow sexually and learn how to please him when I never had any intention to do so. (... and I think he knows that now, so he stopped asking for any kind of sex whatsoever - what a relief). 

I broke my promises.  I never intended to be the wife he wanted. Not if it meant I would have to do things for him.  After all, I'm the woman in this relationship, and the man is supposed to worship and serve the woman.  Right?  He doesn't serve me, does he?

He works hard so I can have a nicer house than most of my friends.  So what?
He provides food and clothing for me and the kids.  So what?
He keeps the cars gassed-up and repaired.  So what?
He cooks and cleans whenever I'm too tired, or too ticked off to do it.  So what?
He takes up the slack for the tasks I'm supposed to do.  So what?
He protects me when people talk down to me.  So what?
He gives me sex whenever I want it.  So what?

Furthermore, he asks too much of me.

He wants me to spend time with him.
He expects me to do go to bed when he does so we be intimate.
He wants me to open up to new things in bed so we can grow our marriage.
He wants me to read marriage books with him.

That's asking for too much.  

When I married him I did not expect him to treat me the way he does.  He definitely isn't the husband I expected ... or deserve.

Besides, I'm sure when he married me he didn't expect me to treat him like I do.  I may be the woman he desired, but I'm not the wife he wants ... or deserves.

Does My Husband Really Need .......THAT?????

"You need to learn."

That's what my mentor said to me.  I was asking her advice on a very personal matter and she was very upfront with me about what I needed to do.  It wasn't a comfortable conversation, nor was it pleasant advice, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm very blessed with a mentor who is a true Titus 2 woman.  She teaches me and guides me in a very no nonsense way.  She really tells it like it is, unlike many "mentors" out there who will brush many subjects under the rug, or worse yet, will get all high, mighty, and superior.  My lady understands her role, and she teaches me how to love my husband. MY husband.

And because she is so honest and open with me, it's time for me to be honest and open with you.  Let's have a frank discussion about what happens in the bedroom.

Lew (my husband) has asked me about oral sex for a long time (I told you this was going to be a frank discussion).  He wants it.  he wants to do it to me, and he wants me to do it to him.  He wants a no-holds-barred sex life with me, the one he chose to marry.  One the surface it seemed okay, but then when it came down to actually doing it, I backed down.

By "backed down" I mean excuse after excuse.  I put him off for years, and quite successfully.  Or so I thought.  He would ask me for it, and I didn't want to, so I would come up with all kinds of excuses.

I didn't wash.
I'm too tired.
The kids are still awake.
Maybe if we finish doing our work, I'll do that for you.
My friends don't do it.
Wouldn't you rather have intercourse?
I'm too fat.

I thought I was being so clever.  In fact, the only thing I accomplished was to wear my husband down to the point where he wasn't even interested in sex with me anymore.  Instead, he would sneak away for a few minutes to masturbate whenever he felt a sexual urge.  He kept it pretty well hidden, too, until I came right out and asked him. 

He told me he did it because it was easy to imagine my hands and lips on him, pleasuring him in that way.  On the flipside, it was downright brutal to negotiate with me for the same thing.  Further, he said even though I never really bothered to learn how to do it or improve at all even though I promised him I would (truth be told, I just plain stopped doing it for him altogether and thought he was finally okay with that), and that he was just better off pleasing himself than bothering me for it.  He would still have intercourse with me, but when he wanted something else he always did it himself because he couldn't handle the struggle to convince me to give him a few minutes of pleasure. 

"I thought we had a good sex life."  It was all I could think to say.

"Maybe YOU have a good sex life, but WE only have a 'so-so' one," he replied.

My head was spinning.  What was this all about?  I started to read up on sexual frustration in men and found some very interesting facts.

1. Men don't always need intercourse.  Sometimes they just need a fast release that comes from other sexual activities such as oral or manual sex.
2. They get very aroused when we kiss them, especially with our tongues.
3. They tend to have fewer sexual limits than we do. They will do sex with abandon when they are allowed to.
4. They love the taste of female flesh, even to the point of craving it.
5. They long to feel our lips and tongues all over them.

I took my research to Lew, and asked him to help me understand it.  He confirmed it.  There's a lot of truth in the above statements.  

I never knew how important oral sex was to him, or that he was so afraid to confide in me that he wanted me in that way.  Truth is I guess he wants me a whole lot more than I want him.

Anyway, I took my problem (well, our problem) to my mentor.  to say it was awkward would be a serious understatement.  I told her the whole, ugly truth.  Her answer to me was straightforward and abrupt.

"You need to learn."  

"What do I need to learn?"

"You have to learn how to do those things. Those specific things.  You've spent your whole marriage making love to him whatever way you want, and now it's time to learn how to love your husband. You probably don't even really know hat he wants you to do once you get down there, do you?  He isn't a monster - he's your husband.  It's about time you start acting like his wife.  He isn't going to tell his friends, or call you a slut.  The worst thing he will do is show you what he wants if you ask him.  And then he'll be overjoyed that you want to please him that way."

I have to say, I was shocked by her answer.  She advised me to google the things I needed to learn, and to try them out on my Lew.  Not just the usual 30-second kiss-kiss-so-I-can-check-it-off-my-list-until-next-year technique. Sound familiar?

I looked up a few little things and tried them that night. Nothing intense, just something very basic. I never knew it would be so easy to please my husband so much.   He was bursting with love and ecstasy when I crossed over my inhibitions and actually took him in and looked up at him.  He wasn't looking for a porn star performance, just a wife who wasn't afraid to love him. It wasn't gross.  It was wonderful to finally let go and truly abandon myself to my husband.

He told me he felt more love for me afterward than any other time in our marriage.  And you know what?  I didn't have to be masterful at it.  I just tried something and he helped me get it right.

I love my husband. 

**If you haven't found a Titus 2 mentor you really don't know what you're missing.  But a word of caution:  Many older women will be put off by sexual subjects, not finding them appropriate for discussion.  That kind of person is NOT A TITUS 2 WOMAN.  She must be someone who will teach you how to love your husband.  That means what it means, and it most definitely does NOT exclude sex. 

Reverence Him? Really??

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

A few months ago my husband and I attended my cousin’s wedding.  The entire affair consisted of the usual wedding hoopla, the ceremony, the reception, the cake, the “Chicken Dance,” you get the picture. 

Anyway, we were sitting with a few of my favorite old aunts at the reception, when one of them said (about the bride), “she’s a lucky one.  She really found a good guy.  He worships the ground she walks on.”  

I couldn’t help thinking that my dear old auntie had the wrong idea of how it’s supposed to work. 

I want to talk about reverence today.  There are many places in scripture where God instructs wives to respect their husbands.  I have been to many women’s conferences where the speakers were hammering home the idea of respect and submission, to swuch an extreme that I sometimes find myself rolling my eyes and saying, “Alright!   Stop!  I get it already!!” 

However, none of these speakers have, in my recollection, spoken about reverence.  It’s as though we don’t even realize the word is there.  I mean it’s hidden there among the other words, so we tend to gloss over it quickly.  Besides, it isn’t really that important compared to the big “S” (Submission – Ooooooh  I said it again!), right?  No one talks about it so it must not be a vital component for wives. Also, in today’s society it just doesn’t work.   I just isn’t meant for us today … it has to be a mistake.   Right?

Wrong.

Well, then, what does it really mean?

Ummm … it means what it says.  No mistake.

Ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.

Reverence. verb.

1. worship;
2. regard with feelings of respect and reverence; consider hallowed or exalted or be in awe of;
3. hold sacred;
4. regard highly; think much of;
5. show devotion to (a deity);

Holy Moley!!  Wait … WHAT????!!!!??!?!

I know, I know.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, too.

I’m supposed to REVERENCE him??!?

Yes, ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.  This goes far beyond respect.  This is a matter of being in awe of who he is.  Marveling at his body, his mind, his essence. It means having a worshipful (yes, you read that correctly) attitude toward him.  It means being eager to do whatever will make him happy.  It means having that “I can’t wait to get near him and do whatever he asks me to do. 

I know what some of you are thinking … “She’s gone crazy.”  “She’s taking this to extremes.”  “She obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

You might also be saying, “But, you don’t know what I go through every day.”  “But, that just isn’t realistic in today’s world.”  “But, my husband is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve respect or reverence or anything else!”

But … But …

But you know what?  Back when I didn’t think much of the submission / reverence idea, my marriage was very un-spectacular.  It was okay, but it wasn’t great.  My husband treated me like most husbands treat their wives; with respect and fear. 

After I started to become accustomed to surrendering myself to the Word of God, and began to submit to my husband, and yes, began to reverence him, something amazing happened.  God turned my marriage around. 

Now my husband loves me like I never thought possible.  He can’t wait to come home to me at the end of the day. He leads our family like a man.  I no longer stand in his way. 

Instead, I honor him; I respect him; I can’t wait to get at him and cling to him, to wrap myself around him and communicate with him; to listen to him; to touch him everywhere, to kiss him everywhere, to breathe in in everything that he is and give him everything I have to give, mind, body, and soul.  Yes, to act worshipful toward him (reverence him).  I can’t wait to be as close to him as possible, to show him how eager I am to know him and how much I am in awe of him and how much I yearn to please him. 

I’m not talking about being a doormat for abuse or being a mindless trollop who does nothing but offer herself to a man hoping he will accept her.  I’m talking about a wife’s responsibility according to God’s Biblical commands.  I’m talking about fulfilling our roles as godly wives.  I’m talking about regarding as holy the man God chose to be your husband.     

The word is reverence.   It’s in the Bible.  It is no mistake.  And ladies, by reverencing our husbands, we are reverencing the Lord God Himself.  Keep that in mind today when your husband comes home.  I know I will.  

  

"Every Thing," Specifically

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. – Ephesians 5:24

I always get stuck here.  Not on the verse as a whole, but on the last two words, “every thing.”  This means big and little things.  It means pleasant things and unpleasant things.  It means beautiful things and ugly things. 

When I signed on as a wife, I promised before God and 100+ witnesses to do these things as Lew’s wife.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that God has instructed me to be subject to my husband in every thing.  Admittedly, I don’t always want to do every thing for my husband.  I only wish to do the things I’m comfortable doing.  You know, the pleasant things … the nice things.

I will gladly cook for him, clean the house, do the laundry, etc.  But when it comes to things that I feel uneasy about?  Well, that’s another story.  After all, I’m his wife, not his servant. 

Wait a minute.

When Jesus saw that His disciples’ feet were dirty, he washed them (a very lowly, demeaning job in those days).  When the people were hungry, He cooked fish and fed them.  When His Father told Him to die on the cross for my sins, He humbled Himself and did it.

Why, then, would I withhold things from my husband that he has asked me to do?  After all, Jesus was subject to His Father, no questions asked.  The church is subject to Jesus (well, at least it’s supposed to be).  I am subject to my husband in the same manner. 

When Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, He knew it was the lowest job He could do.  But He did it.  He gladly served.  When God the Father told Him He would be put to death, He did it. 

When Lew asked me to do some specific things, I rebelled against him.  I did not want to submit to his authority concerning those particular things.  Those “things,” to me, were not part of the “every thing” mentioned in the Bible.  Oh, sure I would do it once in a while for, say, 15 seconds, just to pacify him, and to make myself feel like I was being a submissive wife (“Well I checked THAT off my list.  I hope he’s happy now”).  I was relieved, he felt guilty, everyone was happy.  Right?   Boy did I have a lot to learn. 

I went on like this until I noticed a change. 

Lew stopped asking for “it.”  In fact, he stopped asking for sex completely.  I was the one who initiated sex.  Of course he would always indulge me, but he never, ever asked for anything.  Never initiated.  I was in charge of when, where, how, and IF we had sex. 

Then a woman at church gave me Debi Pearl’s book “Created To Be His Helpmeet.”  I read it and was convicted.  I was a rebellious wife.  I had not submitted to my husband in every thing, and now my dear husband was wounded.  So wounded that he stopped trying for the very thing that makes him feel like a man.    

What did I do?

First, I went to Lew, and asked him to forgive me. I confessed that I rebelled against God and against him.  He confided that he felt guilty and ashamed to ask for specific things he was longing for, because he was afraid (no, actually he KNEW) what my reaction would be. 

Let me be clear, ladies.  Our husbands should never, EVER feel guilty or ashamed about expressing their desires to us.  They should NEVER fear rejection from their own wives.  They should feel secure in the knowledge that we love them and reverence them, and that we take joy in giving them pleasure. 

Then I decided to go ahead a do those specific things he had asked for but I didn’t feel like doing. 

You know what?

It was hard.  It was embarrassing.  It was awkward.  But he was amazing.  He was appreciative.  He was very supportive.  He guided me through it and I learned, and I grew.  And we grew closer and more intimate than ever before.   

Now that I have made up my mind to dive in with abandon and take care of my husband’s specific needs, I enjoy giving my husband pleasure and serving him in whatever way he desires.  He would never ask me to do anything unbiblical or immoral.  He won’t bring pornography or a third person into our marriage bed, so why wouldn’t I be thrilled to enjoy every inch of the man God meant me to be with?  

I will gladly serve my husband in every thing. 

So ladies, what has your husband asked you to do?  Is it pleasant or unpleasant?  Are you willing to be subject to God and your husband?  You’ll be surprised how enjoyable it is when you finally abandon yourself to His will.

  

Wife or House-wife?

I'm a housewife.  What a mistake!!!

Now, before you get mad at me for knocking housewives, hear me out. 

When Lew and I got married, I made a vow to be faithful to him until death parts us.  Well, I've broken that vow time after time. 

You see, as much as I love my husband (and I do love him desperately), there is another love in my life.

It's my house. 

Yes, I often put my house far above my family, far above my husband, and sometimes far above the time I spend talking with my Heavenly Father. 

Sometimes I won't even consider doing anything with my husband until the house is in order.  It's like my life revolves around making my house happy instead of making my husband happy. I have become a house-wife instead of my husband's wife.

I need to start making Lew happy.  I have to spend (1) a lot more time with God, (2) spend a lot more time being a wife, and (3) spend a lot less time trying to make my house perfect.

Being married to my house won't win anyone to Jesus.  But being married to my husband just might set a good example for another struggling wife.  And that is HUGE. 

For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man. (1 Corinthians 11:8-9)

A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones. (Proverbs 12:4)

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Ephesians 5:24)

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You might also like to read some of these posts from my archive:

Willing To Learn - Are you willing to learn new things to benefit your marriage? 

Ephesians 5:22 - My (very) brief opinion of this wonderful verse.  

Why I Submit - Let go and submit.  You'll be glad you did!

The Heart Of Her Husband - Proverbs 31:11

Every so often I dabble with the idea of being a Proverbs 31 woman.  I mean, it is the ultimate goal as a Christian wife, isn't it?  She's the crown jewel of wives, the woman every man wants and every woman wants to become.  So, armed with that knowledge, I press on toward my goal (at least one of them) of becoming a better wife by studying the 31st chapter of Proverbs.

As I was reading recently I felt a tug on my heart as I pondered this verse.

The heart of her husband trusteth in her, And he shall have no lack of gain.  (Proverbs 31:11)

Okay, so it was more like a shovel to the face than a tug on the heart.  I must have read this chapter a bazillion times without once realizing my husband had anything to do with me and Proverbs 31.  Apparently he does have something to do with it ...quite an important something.

You see, this woman's husband trusts her from the deepest part of himself.  His heart actually feels trust in her. Wow.


What about my husband's heart?  Does his heart feel the same trust in me?  Have I done the things it takes to earn this kind of trust?  Have I been this kind of woman? 

In my mind this verse goes far more deep than mere trust.  It demands a high calling of me - it charges me with the care of my husband's heart.  My husband has a heart for God and His kingdom.  If his heart doesn't trust in me ... wow.  Just wow.


It causes me to think ... really think.  What kind of relationship does Lew (husband) have with me?  Does he trust me enough to share everything?

No.  I'm afraid not.

He often refrains from sharing what is on his heart.  Perhaps it's because of his pledge as a Christian husband to sacrifice for me, or perhaps it's because he's afraid of my reaction, as my past reactions have been less than nice.  Perhaps he has just given up trying to share his heart because of the way I disrespect him with my snide little comments. 


You see, when left to my own devices I tend to be selfish.  I want my house a certain way.  I want to sit and do what I want to do, often having no idea what he is doing to keep the household going.  Then I sweep through the family and rip everyone to pieces when everything isn't exactly right. When he disagrees with me I either shout at him or cry.  No wonder his heart doesn't feel safe enough to trust me.

Add to that the biting comments and put downs, and you have a carefully crafted disaster.  I hear myself saying these awful things to him, but he never strikes back. 

He is a wonderful husband.  I am his wife.  I should work harder to provide an atmosphere in which his heart can trust in me.

The Frump

I've been feeling like a bit of a frump lately.  My wardrobe needs a slight tweek; my hair and makeup as well.  And how about that frock I keep wearing to bed?  My husband can't get in there with a crowbar let alone his own two hands.

I need to think about the way Lew likes me to dress.  I should wear clothing that is appealing to him.  Not all the time (like when I'm going to get muddy in the garden), but quite often.

I should take into account his opinion and his need for visual appeal (men are visual creatures, you know).

"I don't do anything fancy."

When my husband takes on one of my hair brained ideas and decides to make something for the house - something out of wood - he does the very best he can do. 

There are certain things he does very well and certain thing he ... well ... doesn't.  Building a level, straight end table with a drawer is one of those things.

"I don't do anything fancy," he said.

Meanwhile I kept piling little "extras" on to the project.  Things like a shelf and a "half shelf," a flush-fitting drawer, tapered legs, and a fancy, routed edge.

While he did all the things I asked for, I wasn't able to accept his mantra, "I don't do anything fancy."

Well, the end table came out ... interesting.  Not at all what I expected.  It works extremely well as an end table.  It has 2 full shelves and a drawer (not flush-fitting).  The legs are straight.  It is a beautiful table, and it graces the side of my rocker quite nicely.  Even though it isn't at all what I pictured when I spewed my detailed instructions to a man who said over and over, "I don't do anything fancy."

He did his very best work.  And I love him. And I need to learn to accept that when he conveys his limitations over and over and over.  He means it.

Rest A While

My husband Lew is a hard worker.  When he works.  I don't mean that to sound demeaning whatsoever.  He works extremely hard 9 months of the year.  The other 3 months (which happen to be winter), he is off. 

It used to bother me that he didn't have the same desire as I do for undertaking home improvement jobs or reorganization projects (like, um, alphabetizing everything we own - don't get me started).  Then an amazing thing happened.

Lew got sick and had to take four days off work.  But he still had to do his paperwork so it wouldn't pile up on his desk.  Every morning a courier would bring a box filled with manilla file folders, and every evening a different courier would take them away.  Lew spend at least six hours each day working.  While he was sick. 

While I realize that being home allowed him to take his time and not rush through the work .... six hours of paper work is very intense.  And that doesn't include floor time, testing, and training his crew.  His brain must be fried by the end of the day let alone by the end of December.

Now that I have a more realistic view of what the man deals with during his 9 month work schedule, I have laid off the pressure for him to produce during his downtime.  Sure, there are still things that have to get done, and he is happy to do them.  In his own way, in his own time.

Chess

Two Facts:

Fact 1:
I'm obsessed with organization.  Everything has to be neatly packed away so that nothing is out in the open that doesn't belong out in the open.  

Fact 2:
My husband loves chess.  He has a hand carved chess set that was given to him by a good friend a number of years ago. 

After we moved into our new (ish) house, he didn't bother with the chess set for a long, long time.  When I asked him about it, he showed me exactly what the problem was.  He opened the closet door, removed twelve (yes TWELVE) boxes, stacking them neatly on the floor.  Then he shifted another stack of boxes to the left, removed a small fire safe and finally retrieved the chess game.  Then he replaced all the items he had to remove to actually reach his game.

In my zeal to organize the house to my liking, I completely ignored his needs in that regard.  He needs his chess game to be accessible, and not to be stored in such a way that it takes such heroic effort just to get to it.

Do you allow your husband to keep his things handy?  Are his hobbies hidden away, out of view?  Can he easily reach the things he enjoys?

I can tell you that we have now found a place for his chess set so he can play whenever he wants to.  He and my oldest daughter are in the middle of a game right now.  I'm glad he was willing to show me in such a kind way what the problem was.

I love him with all my heart. 

Willing To Learn

Our Bible study group is delving into Proverbs.  This week we were talking about our willingness to learn and what happens when we are not open to learning.

 He is in the way of life that keepeth instruction: but he that refuseth reproof erreth. (Proverbs 10:17)

This verse hit me right between the eyes.  Truth is I am not open to learning, especially when the topic is uncomfortable.  Come to think of it, I don't like to learn anything at all if it wasn't my idea to begin with.

In our marriage, my wonderful husband Lew has tried to lead me in the direction he feels God is guiding us as a couple and guiding our family.  He tries to lead us and move my stubborn feet, but the fact is that I am not willing to learn.

Please understand that Lew doesn't rule our house like a dictator.  Rather, he is the best example of a servant-leader I have ever seen.  He prays for us and for direction, then he does his best to move us in that direction.  The problem is that I don't always follow his lead, and I don't always open myself up to learn what is necessary to move forward with him.

Granted, he doesn't have all the answers at his disposal.  That's when I should get busy learning.  If I intend to be a submissive wife, then I need to do whatever is necessary to learn a new thing when my husband has made a decision to expand our horizons as a family (or a couple).

Sadly, I do not always conform to his wishes.  Sometimes I think "If I don't make any move toward learning this new skill, then he'll stop prodding and I will be off the hook."

Think again.

When I close myself off from learning something new that will benefit my marriage and my family (and therefore glorify my Heavenly Father), then I am sinning and I must ask Lew's forgiveness.  Then I must go and learn all about it.

Here's to my new found willingness to learn!

Intimacy - A Man's Way

Sometimes I forget the huge differences between Lew and me.  Especially where sex is concerned. 

Sometimes I forget that he needs it more often than I do, and in vastly different ways than I do.  I'm very comfortable with doing it the same way every time, with maybe an occasional twist in direction, but nothing out of the ordinary. 

I should know by now that he has little favorite things that have nothing to do with modern, feminist - driven sex, but rather a Song of Solomon view of sex.  Sex for him is an all-encompassing encounter that sometimes involves all five senses, sometimes only one.  As it should be, as it is written in the Word of God.

I used to have a hard time with that, because I couldn't understand the need for any other kind of sex besides intercourse.  But apparently it isn't always about intercourse.  Husbands need to be affirmed sexually in different ways.  They need to be felt, smelled, tasted, heard, seen.

My own husband needs sex in a completely different way than I do.  To give him sex my way is to deprive him of something he needs - a desire God placed inside Him - a desire that I am supposed to meet for him.  Once I got that through my thick skull and learned what to do, we developed a much more intimate relationship.

Just remember - It really isn't  always about intercourse - it's about connection.  It's about being willing to do the most intimate things possible to bless and bring pleasure to your own husband.  That's what you agreed to when you said you would marry him.

About That Titus 2 Woman ...

The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;
⁴ That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children,
⁵ To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. (Titus 2:3-5)

Alrighteee then, let's tackle this woman one piece at a time, shall we?

The aged women 
Old ladies. These are the ones who have been married, who have been around the block.  They know about stuff.  They know how to cook, bake, clean, wash and iron clothes, give sexual pleasure (surely not - ummmm, surely SO), 

likewise,
Whenever the word "likewise" appears in the Bible, you have to go back and see what came before it, so you have a comparison to "liken" it to.  In this case, the previous verse is  ....That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience. (v.4)  In other words, the old ladies should be the same way the old me are.

that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness,
They should behave in a holy manner, devoted to the service of God. 

not false accusers,
They must not be involved in gossip.


not given to much wine,
They shouldn't be drunkards. That is not to say that they should never touch the stuff, but that they should not drink in excess.  Don't forget Jesus drank wine, and we are supposed to emulate Him, so ....

teachers of good things;
This shouldn't need any comment, but I suppose I should expound on it just a bit.  The older women should teach nice things, not evil things.  They should always model the best way to do something, and never be an example of what not to do.

That they may teach the young women to be sober,
They should teach the young women about moderation.  I believe this means more than just the consumption of alcohol. In today's world it must also be extended to drug abuse.  The older women must instruct the youngsters about the evils of substance abuse.

to love their husbands,
 This is where I get into trouble every time.  These older ladies are not stupid, or naive, or innocent by any stretch of the imagination.  They know about loving a husband.  They know about giving pleasure to a man.  Aaaannnd ... They are instructed, in this verse, to teach the young women how to love their husbands.
I don't believe this to include the nuts and bolts of household stuff like cooking and cleaning, as those things are covered in the next verse.  Therefore, this must refer to things of a sexual nature.  After all, a young wife will have questions that will need to be answered in a clear, no-nonsense way, without the shame that is so often attached to such questions.  Here, the instruction is clearly given to teach these things to young women.

to love their children,
Every new mother needs help with the children.  Frustrations arise with discipline, diet, and a whole host of other issues.  God is clearly indicating that the older women must help the young women with their children.

To be discreet,
To avoid causing embarrassment to yourself of others.

chaste,
Don't sleep around. Duh.

keepers at home,
Young wives need to learn homemaking skills like cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing, etc.  God's design calls for women to keep the home and men to earn the cash.  That's the plan.  We should get back to that plan, don't you think?

obedient to their own husbands,
The critical word here is "obedient." God does not mince words here.  O-B-E-D-I-E-N-T to their own husbands. In my mind, this means the old ladies are supposed to be teaching the young ladies to OBEY their own husbands.  Not someone else's idea of a husband.  Each wife has a unique husband with unique ways, unique needs, unique desires.  Each young wife should be instructed in how to obey her own unique husband, so that when he asks her to do something, no matter what it is, she is competent and able to do it to his satisfaction.  


This may sound a bit archaic, but it is, in fact, the Word of God.  And God doesn't put things in writing unless He expects us to obey Him.

that the word of God be not blasphemed.  
If the older women teach the younger women these things, and the younger women pay attention, they will be showing respect for the Word of God.  Otherwise, they are disrespecting their Creator.  It may sound harsh, but like I said, He didn't put it in writing to have us ignore it.

That's what I'm studying right now.  It's a lot to take in, but I'm sure I'll be a better wife for my own husband, and he (and God) will be pleased.

 
 
 
 
  
  



 

The Argument

My husband and I had a rather loud disagreement last night.  We really disagreed.  Loudly. L-O-U-D-L-Y.  Anyway, in the midst of our arguing he was busying himself in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing the fridge, getting a knife, washing the knife, doing some other things.

All the while, I was standing my ground, digging in my heels firmly on my side of the argument.  Finally he announced that he was going to bed.

About a half hour later, I followed him to bed.  I got undressed and slipped in next to him.  I could feel him breathing that certain way that tells me he is fast asleep. I rolled over and slept as well, though not very soundly.

This morning I awoke to an empty bed.  I suppose Lew got up and left without wanting to wake me, either to be polite or for fear of restarting our argument.

I had some appointments in the next town this afternoon, so I wasn't going to be home for lunch today.  I went to the kitchen to get some breakfast.  When I opened the fridge I discovered that he had placed a brown bag with a homemade lunch in the fridge.  For me.

That's what he was doing while we were arguing.  He was making my lunch because he knew I would need something to eat today.  Even while I was yelling at him, he was taking care of my needs.

It got me thinking ...

If the tables were turned, I'm not so sure I would have done the same for him.

He doesn't know it yet, but when he comes home from work I'm going to give him one of his favorite treats.  And I'm not going to stop until he's satisfied, if you get my drift.