Like I Promised

Recently my husband and I attended a marriage workshop that was part of the re|engage marriage curriculum.  I attended reluctantly as I don't enjoy myself when the Holy Spirit convicts me as I listen to speakers and work through the questions.

There was a point during the workshop when the question came up, "Do you love your spouse the way you promised you would?"

I felt a sudden wave come over me like I was either going to faint or cry.  Or maybe a little of both.

My short answer was "no."

Now here's my long answer.

I have made promises along the way that I intended to keep.  I also made promises I had no intention of keeping.  Basically, I have not loved my husband the way I promised to.  I have given him false hope that some day I would get around to doing this or learning that when in fact I have never had any intention of doing any of it.

Why do I operate under false pretenses like this?  I know he longs for me to be the wife I promised him I'd be, to learn how to please him and love him, and to do the things I said I would do, but when it comes down to action I chicken out because I prefer to take the easy way out.  I don't like to put myself out or make myself feel uncomfortable in any way.  It doesn't matter that the person I made promises to is my own husband, the man who is supposed to trust me more than anyone else.  If I don't feel like doing it, you might as well forget about it.  It isn't going to happen.  Ever.

Well, that's about to change.  Lew (husband) is going to find himself married to a different woman and he isn't going to know what hit him.  First I'll have to attend to a few essential details so he doesn't suspect that I've replaced myself with a clone.
1. I'm going to confess and ask forgiveness, from God and from Lew.
2. I'm going to ask him (again) what he wants from me as his wife - what will make him happy.
3. I'm going to do those things.
4. I'm going to learn (and practice) those things I don't know how to do.

I'm going to love him the way I promised I would.

 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.  She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

The Heart Of Her Husband - Proverbs 31:11

Every so often I dabble with the idea of being a Proverbs 31 woman.  I mean, it is the ultimate goal as a Christian wife, isn't it?  She's the crown jewel of wives, the woman every man wants and every woman wants to become.  So, armed with that knowledge, I press on toward my goal (at least one of them) of becoming a better wife by studying the 31st chapter of Proverbs.

As I was reading recently I felt a tug on my heart as I pondered this verse.

The heart of her husband trusteth in her, And he shall have no lack of gain.  (Proverbs 31:11)

Okay, so it was more like a shovel to the face than a tug on the heart.  I must have read this chapter a bazillion times without once realizing my husband had anything to do with me and Proverbs 31.  Apparently he does have something to do with it ...quite an important something.

You see, this woman's husband trusts her from the deepest part of himself.  His heart actually feels trust in her. Wow.


What about my husband's heart?  Does his heart feel the same trust in me?  Have I done the things it takes to earn this kind of trust?  Have I been this kind of woman? 

In my mind this verse goes far more deep than mere trust.  It demands a high calling of me - it charges me with the care of my husband's heart.  My husband has a heart for God and His kingdom.  If his heart doesn't trust in me ... wow.  Just wow.


It causes me to think ... really think.  What kind of relationship does Lew (husband) have with me?  Does he trust me enough to share everything?

No.  I'm afraid not.

He often refrains from sharing what is on his heart.  Perhaps it's because of his pledge as a Christian husband to sacrifice for me, or perhaps it's because he's afraid of my reaction, as my past reactions have been less than nice.  Perhaps he has just given up trying to share his heart because of the way I disrespect him with my snide little comments. 


You see, when left to my own devices I tend to be selfish.  I want my house a certain way.  I want to sit and do what I want to do, often having no idea what he is doing to keep the household going.  Then I sweep through the family and rip everyone to pieces when everything isn't exactly right. When he disagrees with me I either shout at him or cry.  No wonder his heart doesn't feel safe enough to trust me.

Add to that the biting comments and put downs, and you have a carefully crafted disaster.  I hear myself saying these awful things to him, but he never strikes back. 

He is a wonderful husband.  I am his wife.  I should work harder to provide an atmosphere in which his heart can trust in me.