A Time To Reconnect

First, let me apologize for neglecting my blog for so long.  I was away with Lew (husband), working on our relationship.  We did this because it came to a crisis point and we didn't want to give up on God's gift of marriage. 

My parents watched the kids and we drove far away and checked into a very nice hotel.  It was glorious to be alone with my love for a few weeks.  Or at least it would have been glorious had it not been for the gigantic crater in our relationship. 

That was the first order of business.  Well, right after resting a bit and getting some food in our famished bodies. 

First thing in the morning that first day we ate breakfast and got to work.  We set up our laptops on a round table in our room and sat next to each other.  We spent time each day working on specific areas of our marriage and family, including topics like finances, children, retirement, home improvements, health and fitness, diet, and sex. 

The talks were difficult at times.  There were things each of us didn't want to hear.  Some topics were embarrassing (especially when it came to sex), but we worked through some of them and made plans to improve over the next few months.

The best part of our getaway was having the freedom to be truly open and unashamed with each other without any interruptions.  We talked about things, and whenever we could, we started implementing changes immediately, right there on vacation.  Diet, exercise, sex, wardrobe, whatever we talked about.  We started making changes right then and there.

I found out I could do some things for him that would give him tremendous satisfaction and that didn't take a lot of effort on my part.  The trick was paying attention to him and what he needs instead of concentrating on what I want to give him and how to get out of giving him what I don't want to give him (Yes, I'm guilty of this and so are you).

I found out that Lew was unhappy for a long time but didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to have the same argument with me again and get nowhere again.  In fact, it took a couple days before he was actually able to admit that he still wasn't satisfied with our relationship.

The entire trip opened my eyes and I intend to keep them open.

What about you?  Do you and your hubby talk openly and honestly about deep, important issues?  Do you diet with him? (Lew dieted alone because it was "too much of a hassle" for me.)  Do you exercise together? (Lew didn't do the right kind of exercises.)  Do you try his sexual ideas? (I was only willing to do a few things, and he stopped asking for any kind of sex at all.)   Do you dress for each other? (We're learning to do that.)

I recommend to every couple that you take a week or so without the kids to go away, talk, and reconnect.  It will make a huge difference.  I promise.

"Every Thing," Specifically

Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. – Ephesians 5:24

I always get stuck here.  Not on the verse as a whole, but on the last two words, “every thing.”  This means big and little things.  It means pleasant things and unpleasant things.  It means beautiful things and ugly things. 

When I signed on as a wife, I promised before God and 100+ witnesses to do these things as Lew’s wife.  Sometimes I have to remind myself that God has instructed me to be subject to my husband in every thing.  Admittedly, I don’t always want to do every thing for my husband.  I only wish to do the things I’m comfortable doing.  You know, the pleasant things … the nice things.

I will gladly cook for him, clean the house, do the laundry, etc.  But when it comes to things that I feel uneasy about?  Well, that’s another story.  After all, I’m his wife, not his servant. 

Wait a minute.

When Jesus saw that His disciples’ feet were dirty, he washed them (a very lowly, demeaning job in those days).  When the people were hungry, He cooked fish and fed them.  When His Father told Him to die on the cross for my sins, He humbled Himself and did it.

Why, then, would I withhold things from my husband that he has asked me to do?  After all, Jesus was subject to His Father, no questions asked.  The church is subject to Jesus (well, at least it’s supposed to be).  I am subject to my husband in the same manner. 

When Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, He knew it was the lowest job He could do.  But He did it.  He gladly served.  When God the Father told Him He would be put to death, He did it. 

When Lew asked me to do some specific things, I rebelled against him.  I did not want to submit to his authority concerning those particular things.  Those “things,” to me, were not part of the “every thing” mentioned in the Bible.  Oh, sure I would do it once in a while for, say, 15 seconds, just to pacify him, and to make myself feel like I was being a submissive wife (“Well I checked THAT off my list.  I hope he’s happy now”).  I was relieved, he felt guilty, everyone was happy.  Right?   Boy did I have a lot to learn. 

I went on like this until I noticed a change. 

Lew stopped asking for “it.”  In fact, he stopped asking for sex completely.  I was the one who initiated sex.  Of course he would always indulge me, but he never, ever asked for anything.  Never initiated.  I was in charge of when, where, how, and IF we had sex. 

Then a woman at church gave me Debi Pearl’s book “Created To Be His Helpmeet.”  I read it and was convicted.  I was a rebellious wife.  I had not submitted to my husband in every thing, and now my dear husband was wounded.  So wounded that he stopped trying for the very thing that makes him feel like a man.    

What did I do?

First, I went to Lew, and asked him to forgive me. I confessed that I rebelled against God and against him.  He confided that he felt guilty and ashamed to ask for specific things he was longing for, because he was afraid (no, actually he KNEW) what my reaction would be. 

Let me be clear, ladies.  Our husbands should never, EVER feel guilty or ashamed about expressing their desires to us.  They should NEVER fear rejection from their own wives.  They should feel secure in the knowledge that we love them and reverence them, and that we take joy in giving them pleasure. 

Then I decided to go ahead a do those specific things he had asked for but I didn’t feel like doing. 

You know what?

It was hard.  It was embarrassing.  It was awkward.  But he was amazing.  He was appreciative.  He was very supportive.  He guided me through it and I learned, and I grew.  And we grew closer and more intimate than ever before.   

Now that I have made up my mind to dive in with abandon and take care of my husband’s specific needs, I enjoy giving my husband pleasure and serving him in whatever way he desires.  He would never ask me to do anything unbiblical or immoral.  He won’t bring pornography or a third person into our marriage bed, so why wouldn’t I be thrilled to enjoy every inch of the man God meant me to be with?  

I will gladly serve my husband in every thing. 

So ladies, what has your husband asked you to do?  Is it pleasant or unpleasant?  Are you willing to be subject to God and your husband?  You’ll be surprised how enjoyable it is when you finally abandon yourself to His will.

  

Learning to Laugh

I used to get mad at Lew for doing silly things that embarrassed me. Like when he wore "that t-shirt" to church, or when he and the girls walked around the block wearing makeshift wedding veils.

Any more I just chalk it up to his personality and the way he goes about his life.  I knew he was a bit of a loon when I agreed to marry him, so why should I be embarrassed when I see him playing out his lifestyle in front of me (and the entire neighborhood)?

Anyway, I've learned to be thankful for the silly boy who won my heart, and I try not to take these embarrassing moments personally.