I Should Have Let Him Know Me

I was a gate keeper.  I was never a refuser.  There is a difference.  A refuser says no to sex.  A gate keeper says yes to sex but no to anything new.  I was a gate keeper. 

It almost destroyed me when I discovered the truth.  I was devastated because I realized what I was missing out on, and because I realized it was too late.  My first husband had died having never experienced the pleasures of sexual fulfillment. 

Yes, we would make love often, and yes it was satisfying.  But it wasn't fulfilling for him.  I said no to some requests that, as I look back on it, should have been no big deal for me.  He asked, begged, pleaded for it.  I debated him and kept that gate closed for a long time. 

Then he died suddenly, never having been granted the closeness, the oneness, the intimacy he so desperately needed from me. 

I will not do that to my new husband, Lew.  He will know me and I will know him.  I will get to know and accept him intellectually, spiritually, socially, and sexually in every way possible. 

The Bible says we should be one flesh.  That means I should know every crease in his mind and body the same way I know my own, and he likewise should know mine.  How am I supposed to do that if I won't even look closely at him? (ALL OF HIM)  How is he supposed to know me when I shudder every time he shows interest in looking at (all of) me closely?  Touching and kissing me intimately?

Why would I keep that gate closed?  Does it glorify God to disallow my husband (whom I am instructed to reverence and submit to) access to my body so he can know me?  Is it a good thing to say no to touching and kissing him intimately? 

My first husband never asked me to do anything that would cause me physical harm, and yet I was a gate keeper to all things sexual.  I wouldn't let him get away with his "perverted little acts."  Funny, it turned out he was right and I was in sin.  It wasn't perverted - it was intimate.  I should have known him more the way he needed.  I should have let him know me.

It's time we realize that God celebrates with us when we allow ourselves to relinquish the keys to the gate and allow ourselves and our husbands full access to each other with all five senses..  Naked and unashamed.
I will not be the one responsible for our one flesh union asunder.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)
   

A Time To Reconnect

First, let me apologize for neglecting my blog for so long.  I was away with Lew (husband), working on our relationship.  We did this because it came to a crisis point and we didn't want to give up on God's gift of marriage. 

My parents watched the kids and we drove far away and checked into a very nice hotel.  It was glorious to be alone with my love for a few weeks.  Or at least it would have been glorious had it not been for the gigantic crater in our relationship. 

That was the first order of business.  Well, right after resting a bit and getting some food in our famished bodies. 

First thing in the morning that first day we ate breakfast and got to work.  We set up our laptops on a round table in our room and sat next to each other.  We spent time each day working on specific areas of our marriage and family, including topics like finances, children, retirement, home improvements, health and fitness, diet, and sex. 

The talks were difficult at times.  There were things each of us didn't want to hear.  Some topics were embarrassing (especially when it came to sex), but we worked through some of them and made plans to improve over the next few months.

The best part of our getaway was having the freedom to be truly open and unashamed with each other without any interruptions.  We talked about things, and whenever we could, we started implementing changes immediately, right there on vacation.  Diet, exercise, sex, wardrobe, whatever we talked about.  We started making changes right then and there.

I found out I could do some things for him that would give him tremendous satisfaction and that didn't take a lot of effort on my part.  The trick was paying attention to him and what he needs instead of concentrating on what I want to give him and how to get out of giving him what I don't want to give him (Yes, I'm guilty of this and so are you).

I found out that Lew was unhappy for a long time but didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to have the same argument with me again and get nowhere again.  In fact, it took a couple days before he was actually able to admit that he still wasn't satisfied with our relationship.

The entire trip opened my eyes and I intend to keep them open.

What about you?  Do you and your hubby talk openly and honestly about deep, important issues?  Do you diet with him? (Lew dieted alone because it was "too much of a hassle" for me.)  Do you exercise together? (Lew didn't do the right kind of exercises.)  Do you try his sexual ideas? (I was only willing to do a few things, and he stopped asking for any kind of sex at all.)   Do you dress for each other? (We're learning to do that.)

I recommend to every couple that you take a week or so without the kids to go away, talk, and reconnect.  It will make a huge difference.  I promise.

About A Six

"About a six, I guess."

WHAT??? A SIX??!!??

That's the answer Lew (husband) gave me when I asked him to rate our love life on a scale of 1 to 10.

He gave us a six.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  Not only wasn't it a ten, but it was about  a six, which means it probably wasn't even quite as good as a six.

When I pressed him for more details, he was very reluctant to share because, well, we all know how I get.  But he did share some reasons for his rating, none of which should have surprised me, and all of which gave me much to think about.

What did he share? 

• Sex is predictable and always on my terms, never on his.  A while ago I promised to improve in this area, but I never did.  He has desires that I don't understand, and while I paid him lip-service and promised to take his needs more seriously by learning how to do some "things," I never did learn.  Instead, I ignored the subject, hoping it would go away.  True.

• Spontaneity has gone out the window by way of housework and children.  He agrees that the children must be a priority, but I had made them a priority above and beyond our marriage.  True.

So, what would he have ranked me back then?  Probably around a nine (although I didn't ask him, I remember those days too, and it truly did seem far better).

What happened, and why didn't he ever say anything?

He did, actually, say something.  A lot of somethings.  Over and over again.  Over the past ten years or so we have had this conversation in one form or another.

When I was a "9," I paid close attention to him.  I couldn't wait to see him return from work.  I was bursting with joy to see him. I was more than eager to rip off his clothes and do whatever he asked.  I felt free to be naked and unashamed with him. He seemed absolutely head over heels in love with me, and would do anything I asked as well.

In the time that followed, things became quite different.  I was tired, cranky, and I felt unattractive, even though he did his very best to assure me otherwise.  I didn't want to be adventurous in bed.  There were only a few items on my sexual menu, and only those things were authorized for use in our bed.  I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I said "no" to everything else. He wanted to be free in my presence, but somehow he became inhibited in expressing himself because he was often humiliated by my reaction.  As a result he has suppressed his interest in sex. 

Who could blame him?

After all, how long would I have continued to ask for sex before giving up?  But it wasn't just asking for sex.  It was my disregard for his needs that was the tipping point. 

Lew gave up.  While he used to pursue me passionately and diligently, he became passive.  He waited until I came to him for affection. It turns out he found it much easier (less humiliating?) to just wait until I wanted sex.  Then he would give me only what I wanted, without asking for anything more. 

What did I want?

I wanted release.  Orgasm.  Plain and simple.  I didn't really want him.  I just wanted it.   I adopted a "this far and NO farther" policy in bed.  If I truly wanted him, he explained, I would want every square inch of him with all five senses, like he wanted me. And he truly did want me that way, if only I had allowed it.  

He finally resigned himself to living with "about a six."

What did I do?  How did I fix it?

I confessed to him and asked his forgiveness.  Then I asked him to help me learn how to be more open sexually. 

I vowed to do something just for him at least once a week. And not just a half-hearted attempt, just to say I did it.  I mean really  do it.  Learn how to make him satisfied. 

I started researching blogs and online article on marital intimacy and started applying what I learned in my own marriage.

Am I a "9" again?  Probably not.  But I am getting there, and Lew and I are growing in intimacy every day.

Wives, I encourage you to find out what your husband wants and learn to give him some of what he wants.  Trust me.  Your home will be a better place as a result.

The Argument

My husband and I had a rather loud disagreement last night.  We really disagreed.  Loudly. L-O-U-D-L-Y.  Anyway, in the midst of our arguing he was busying himself in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing the fridge, getting a knife, washing the knife, doing some other things.

All the while, I was standing my ground, digging in my heels firmly on my side of the argument.  Finally he announced that he was going to bed.

About a half hour later, I followed him to bed.  I got undressed and slipped in next to him.  I could feel him breathing that certain way that tells me he is fast asleep. I rolled over and slept as well, though not very soundly.

This morning I awoke to an empty bed.  I suppose Lew got up and left without wanting to wake me, either to be polite or for fear of restarting our argument.

I had some appointments in the next town this afternoon, so I wasn't going to be home for lunch today.  I went to the kitchen to get some breakfast.  When I opened the fridge I discovered that he had placed a brown bag with a homemade lunch in the fridge.  For me.

That's what he was doing while we were arguing.  He was making my lunch because he knew I would need something to eat today.  Even while I was yelling at him, he was taking care of my needs.

It got me thinking ...

If the tables were turned, I'm not so sure I would have done the same for him.

He doesn't know it yet, but when he comes home from work I'm going to give him one of his favorite treats.  And I'm not going to stop until he's satisfied, if you get my drift.

Porn? No Thank You!

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.(Hebrews 13:4)

Do you or your husband view (or read) pornography?  If so, you are opening the door to trouble into your marriage by inviting a third person into bed with you.

The marriage bed is a holy place that is meant for the pleasure of two people.  No holds barred.  But when you bring pornography into the marriage, you destroy something sacred that God meant to be shared only by two.

If you are addicted to porn, whether it be pictures, videos, or books (yes, ladies, I'm talking about those "romance" novels), there is help for you.

The Pink Cross Foundation was established to help people overcome their addictions to pornography.  Check them out!