About A Six

"About a six, I guess."

WHAT??? A SIX??!!??

That's the answer Lew (husband) gave me when I asked him to rate our love life on a scale of 1 to 10.

He gave us a six.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  Not only wasn't it a ten, but it was about  a six, which means it probably wasn't even quite as good as a six.

When I pressed him for more details, he was very reluctant to share because, well, we all know how I get.  But he did share some reasons for his rating, none of which should have surprised me, and all of which gave me much to think about.

What did he share? 

• Sex is predictable and always on my terms, never on his.  A while ago I promised to improve in this area, but I never did.  He has desires that I don't understand, and while I paid him lip-service and promised to take his needs more seriously by learning how to do some "things," I never did learn.  Instead, I ignored the subject, hoping it would go away.  True.

• Spontaneity has gone out the window by way of housework and children.  He agrees that the children must be a priority, but I had made them a priority above and beyond our marriage.  True.

So, what would he have ranked me back then?  Probably around a nine (although I didn't ask him, I remember those days too, and it truly did seem far better).

What happened, and why didn't he ever say anything?

He did, actually, say something.  A lot of somethings.  Over and over again.  Over the past ten years or so we have had this conversation in one form or another.

When I was a "9," I paid close attention to him.  I couldn't wait to see him return from work.  I was bursting with joy to see him. I was more than eager to rip off his clothes and do whatever he asked.  I felt free to be naked and unashamed with him. He seemed absolutely head over heels in love with me, and would do anything I asked as well.

In the time that followed, things became quite different.  I was tired, cranky, and I felt unattractive, even though he did his very best to assure me otherwise.  I didn't want to be adventurous in bed.  There were only a few items on my sexual menu, and only those things were authorized for use in our bed.  I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I said "no" to everything else. He wanted to be free in my presence, but somehow he became inhibited in expressing himself because he was often humiliated by my reaction.  As a result he has suppressed his interest in sex. 

Who could blame him?

After all, how long would I have continued to ask for sex before giving up?  But it wasn't just asking for sex.  It was my disregard for his needs that was the tipping point. 

Lew gave up.  While he used to pursue me passionately and diligently, he became passive.  He waited until I came to him for affection. It turns out he found it much easier (less humiliating?) to just wait until I wanted sex.  Then he would give me only what I wanted, without asking for anything more. 

What did I want?

I wanted release.  Orgasm.  Plain and simple.  I didn't really want him.  I just wanted it.   I adopted a "this far and NO farther" policy in bed.  If I truly wanted him, he explained, I would want every square inch of him with all five senses, like he wanted me. And he truly did want me that way, if only I had allowed it.  

He finally resigned himself to living with "about a six."

What did I do?  How did I fix it?

I confessed to him and asked his forgiveness.  Then I asked him to help me learn how to be more open sexually. 

I vowed to do something just for him at least once a week. And not just a half-hearted attempt, just to say I did it.  I mean really  do it.  Learn how to make him satisfied. 

I started researching blogs and online article on marital intimacy and started applying what I learned in my own marriage.

Am I a "9" again?  Probably not.  But I am getting there, and Lew and I are growing in intimacy every day.

Wives, I encourage you to find out what your husband wants and learn to give him some of what he wants.  Trust me.  Your home will be a better place as a result.

Reverence, Part 2

Okay, so I got a little flack for my recent post about reverence our husbands.  Many of you have emailed me with serious questions about my elevating my husband to be equal with God. 

That is not at all what I was going for.  Let me explain.

Suppose someone showed up at your door.  Suppose it was someone you have always held in high regard.  What if it was your grandfather?  Your teenage idol?  A Christian musical artist you always admired?  What if Jesus Himself showed up at your door? 

Would you let Him in?  How would you treat Him?  Would you give Him the finest chair in the house?  Would you try to make Him feel comfortable?  Would you honor all of His requests? Is there anything He might ask that would be off limits?  Anything you wouldn’t do for Him?  What if He asked for the last piece of cake?  What if He wanted you to fix His flat tire in a downpour?  Or to give some money to that hateful old woman next door?  What if He asked for something you’ve never done before … something uncomfortable?  Would you look at Him with reverence or repulsion?  Enthrallment or disgust?  Would you question his reasons for asking? 

All I’m saying, ladies, is that our husbands symbolize Christ; they are God’s holy representatives, placed in charge of our marriages and our families.   We are commanded to treat them accordingly. 

No, I am not suggesting that we bow down and worship our husbands, but that we treat them with reverence (holy fear and awe) and that we treat them like royalty (because they are); eagerly and enthusiastically please them, body and soul, no matter what. 

If we do not reverence our husbands, we will surely answer for it in Heavenly judgement… in a BIG way. 

That’s all I’m saying.  I hope this clears it up.      

When He Wants More

Okay, it's gonna be another sex post.

What do you do when your husband wants more in bed than you want to give him?

A: Let him live without it.  He's a grown man and he needs to suck it up and live with disappointment for the rest of his life. This is a dangerous way of thinking.  Husbands have needs and us wives were given to them as a helper, for this very reason (among others).

B: Tell him it's okay for him to find what he needs somewhere else.Even more dangerous.  To bring a third party into the one-flesh union is not godly, is not biblical.  DON'T DO IT.  Besides, he wants you to "do him," not someone else.

C: Learn to reverence your husband and stop withholding something he needs. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. (1 Cor 7:5)  Whatever it is, start doing it.  If you don't know how, ask him to help you or read a book, but for goodness sake stop denying your husband something he is desiring. 


That's my rant for today.

 

Defraud Ye Not One The Other

Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. (1 Corinthians 7:5)


I'm a submissive wife. That means I have chosen to place myself under my husband's authority.  God has blessed me with a godly, loving husband, so I find it quite easy to submit.  So when my husband needs me sexually I freely give him my body for sexual pleasure.  That is and important part of God's plan for marriage. 

But is it enough to just give him my body?  What if I do it half-heartedly?  When I give him sex but withhold my enthusiastic attitude, aren't I still defrauding him?  If I hold my inhibitions close instead of letting go and getting lost in the experience of pleasure, isn't that fraud as well?

I have chosen to submit to my own husband.  That means that what he wants is what I am willing to give.  I am not to defraud him of the pleasure he wants.  (Nor is he to defraud me of the same).  To defraud means to present something that is false.  In other words, if I am capable of giving him more, of giving him exactly what he wants, the way he wants it, and I don't do it, I am guilty of defrauding my husband, and in so doing, I cause him to become vulnerable to sexual temptation.

Sounds harsh.  Well, sometimes the truth is harsh.  I must always remember that my husband faces a barrage of sexual temptations every day, and it is up to me to place a hedge around him by not defrauding him sexually.  I'm not going to sugar coat this.  I intend to give my husband the kind of sex he desires.  I am capable of it, and to do less is sin.