I Should Have Let Him Know Me

I was a gate keeper.  I was never a refuser.  There is a difference.  A refuser says no to sex.  A gate keeper says yes to sex but no to anything new.  I was a gate keeper. 

It almost destroyed me when I discovered the truth.  I was devastated because I realized what I was missing out on, and because I realized it was too late.  My first husband had died having never experienced the pleasures of sexual fulfillment. 

Yes, we would make love often, and yes it was satisfying.  But it wasn't fulfilling for him.  I said no to some requests that, as I look back on it, should have been no big deal for me.  He asked, begged, pleaded for it.  I debated him and kept that gate closed for a long time. 

Then he died suddenly, never having been granted the closeness, the oneness, the intimacy he so desperately needed from me. 

I will not do that to my new husband, Lew.  He will know me and I will know him.  I will get to know and accept him intellectually, spiritually, socially, and sexually in every way possible. 

The Bible says we should be one flesh.  That means I should know every crease in his mind and body the same way I know my own, and he likewise should know mine.  How am I supposed to do that if I won't even look closely at him? (ALL OF HIM)  How is he supposed to know me when I shudder every time he shows interest in looking at (all of) me closely?  Touching and kissing me intimately?

Why would I keep that gate closed?  Does it glorify God to disallow my husband (whom I am instructed to reverence and submit to) access to my body so he can know me?  Is it a good thing to say no to touching and kissing him intimately? 

My first husband never asked me to do anything that would cause me physical harm, and yet I was a gate keeper to all things sexual.  I wouldn't let him get away with his "perverted little acts."  Funny, it turned out he was right and I was in sin.  It wasn't perverted - it was intimate.  I should have known him more the way he needed.  I should have let him know me.

It's time we realize that God celebrates with us when we allow ourselves to relinquish the keys to the gate and allow ourselves and our husbands full access to each other with all five senses..  Naked and unashamed.
I will not be the one responsible for our one flesh union asunder.

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6)
   

Grow Up already!!

If God called you to do something new, something different, would you do it for Him?  Many of you immediately answered "yes."  That's a good answer, but are you sure you would do it?  If you're like me you'll say "yes, some day I'll do that for you."  Then you'll never get around to doing it.

I fought that battle with my first husband.  He was a good man.  I struggle with things he was asking me to do.  I would say "yes, I will do that, but first I want to do (A), (B), and (C).  Then I'll do that for you.  He died having never had the gift of me giving my full self to him.  I have many regrets about that.

Now I'm married to another wonderful man who loves me and my girls and to whom I also promise things ... someday.  I'm finding myself falling back into the comfortable routine again.  A routine that centers around me and what I want rather than a routine of serving my husband, and therefore serving God.

God has commanded wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord.  This means when my husband asks for something, whether it be another scoop of potatoes, help with taking out the garbage, or something he craves from you in the bedroom (as long as it is not illegal), I am to submit to his request as if God Himself asked me to do it.  If I wouldn't say "no" to God, then I shouldn't say "no" to Lew (husband).

I'm not saying this thinking comes naturally, nor is it easy.  Quite the contrary.  Transforming a lifetime of selfishness into an attitude of submission is hard.  It's uncomfortable.  It will cause stress.  But it is what God expects of wives. 

We are to be our husbands' help-meets.  How can I possibly expect my husband to resist temptation when I am making certain that he is unsatisfied with me?  Someday I'll be ready and willing to do that for you.  or When you've done this and that I'll do that other thing.  Would I ever dare to talk to God that way? 

I would like to say I wouldn't but the truth is that whenever I lead my husband on, telling him that someday I'll do the things he asks when I know in my heart I have no intention of doing them,  I have in fact been deceitful to him as to the Lord.   
 
When Lew stopped initiating sexual intimacy with me, I didn't know what the problem was.  I found out the problem was me.  It wasn't that we never made love, it's just that it was always the same.  We had built a routine, and as many ways as Lew (husband) asked for something else, I had just as many ways of putting him off until he stopped asking altogether. He said "I figure it's pointless to keep asking.  I'm never going to get it anyway."

Just like God will leave a sinner wallowing in his/her sin, so my husband left me wallowing in my decision to stay comfortable and not give him something that he so desperately desired.  We have started to work through it, but I have to tell you it isn't easy.  I'm stretching my comfort zones and he is still very reluctant to make any requests.

I know some of you have done this to your husbands too.  You've put off doing that certain something for him and now he won't ask for it anymore.  It doesn't mean he isn't desperate for it.  It just means he has resigned himself to the fact that you aren't going to be his helper.  He will find other ways to fill the void that would otherwise have been filled by you.  Maybe he will start a new hobby.  Maybe he'll discover video games or pornography.  Maybe he'll seek gratification elsewhere.

If this sounds like you, then I pray that you see the destruction this is causing to your husband and to your marriage, and that God will help you take the first step, second step, third step, and so on to get over yourself and grow up already.  Your husband needs a help-meet in all areas of his life.  You are it.

I'm finally starting to grow up and act like my husband wife.  Won't you do the same?

A Good Wife?

Am I a good wife?  That's a great question.  It's one I've been asking myself lately. 

Do I build up my house, or do I tear it down?

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. (Proverbs 14:1)

I'm not always a wise woman. I'm disagreeable.  I complain and argue.  I pluck my house down one complaint at a time.

I should love my husband and submit to him (build up my house), but often I find myself selfishly clinging to what I want instead of giving my all to my husband (pluck down my house).   

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5:22)

Lew tries very hard to lead me as he feels led by the Lord. He has been given a vision for our marriage, our intimacy, our oneness.  Sometimes I submit and sometimes I rebel.

Why? Because I want what I want.  I do not want what he is asking of me.  This happens more often than I want to admit.  I give him not what he is asking of me, but only as much as I want to give. Did I mention that I am a selfish woman?

• I'm selfish about my house.  I want it a certain way.  I place it above people sometimes.
• I'm selfish about my time.  When I'm reading I refuse to be interrupted, even if the children are on fire.
• I'm selfish about my body.  I don't give my husband what he needs and desires in the bedroom.  I only give him what I want him to have.

My prayer is that God will continue to work in me to change my selfish heart and help me step outside my comfortable little world into the world of serving and giving to my husband.  I pray daily that He will help me understand that my husband has been given a vision for our marriage and that if I don't follow him we won't enjoy God's best for our marriage.

Take a moment, wives, and consider the vision your husband has been given for your family.  Would it be so bad to obey God by submitting to your husband's authority? Wouldn't it be better to work through your objections and get over them?  Wouldn't it be a good idea to be the wife your husband needs?

He Is Watching

Lew (husband) and I were in church last weekend, praising God with our whole hearts.  We prayed, sang, learned, fellowshipped, and communed. I really felt like I was paying attention to God's voice.  I wanted to do everything I could for Him in that moment. It was wonderful.  It got me thinking.....

How quick am I to obey when God asks me to do something for Him?  What about at home? Do I live my life in a way that glorifies God?  Do I always do my best to obey Him in everything?  EVERY thing??  Do I worship my Lord and Savior in my every day life as though He's watching?

Because He is watching.

When I sit at my computer all day while life goes on without me, God's watching.
When I criticize Lew (husband) in front of the girls, God's watching.
When I get that enormous, selfish case of the "I wants," God's watching.
When I am impatient, God's watching.
When I'm at the supermarket deciding between corn flakes and fruit loops, God's watching.
When I flirt with my husband, God's watching.
When I put off giving my husband that "thing" he wants in bed, God's watching.
When I lay awake at night, filled with guilt over my behavior, God's watching.

He's watching me all the time.  He knows how well I've behaved.  He's there, guiding me, prodding me, asking me to do things and watching as I disobey.

At the store, He's there watching me make unhealthy choices that destroy my body and my budget.

At home, He's there watching as I ignore my children and husband because I'm lost in my book.

In the bedroom, He's there as I put a stop to anything that will help Lew (husband) and I become more intimate.

He's there.  Always there. 

He's with you, too.  He's watching everything you do.  He sees every decision you make.  You cannot hide from Him.

So, let me ask you this ...... Is He happy with you? I'm sure He isn't always happy with me.

Totally. My. Fault.

I haven't blogged in quite a while, and it was intentional.  I had to get my household and my marriage in order, and to do that, I had to take a break from blogging.

In the last few months I've been working on some things in the "wife skills" area. You see, Lew (husband) stopped ... um ... initiating sex.  Just completely stopped asking for it.  It was as if he wasn't interested. At. All.

?????

I didn't know what to do.  So I talked to my mentor (my Titus 2 lady).  Not just one talk, but many, Many, MANY talks. We discovered a disturbing pattern.  About me, not him.

Here's how the pattern goes:

1. Lew(husband) gets all lovey dovey and asks me for sex.  I tell him I can't right now, but I will later.  Later, I get interested in something else and forget all about my amorous husband, who is waiting for me.  Upstairs.  Naked.  Asleep by now.

2. Husband asks for something specific.  It isn't really a surprise (he's been wanting something different for a long, Long, LONG time).  I argue with him and myself about it, when it really isn't unbiblical.  I'm just (a.) embarrassed at the prospect of letting myself go that far, (b.) afraid of becoming the kind of woman who does "that," and (c.) not sure how to do it right.  I put him off and put him off and put him off until the requests stop coming.

3. I have gained a few pounds (haven't we all?)  and I don't feel as sexy as I once did.  I won't let him see me naked.  Ever.  I get dressed and undressed under my bathrobe or behind a screen.  When we make love I make him turn off the light even though he delights in the sight of my body (why, I'll never know).

4. When we are in the throes of passion, he tries to go "down there."  It's something he's done before, and it always puts me over the edge.  But I think to myself, 1. Am I clean? 2. Am I supposed to just lie here and enjoy this?  How awkward. 3. What kind of a disgusting person does this kind of thing, anyway?

The fact is, if I had "let myself go" and been a wife to him  (a truly Biblical, Song of Solomon wife) instead of a frigid, frightened  little priss, he might think differently of me.  He might have actually thought I wanted him.  He might have felt that I loved him.  He might have thought I actually enjoyed being intimate with him.

Instead, sex was get in, roll this, stroke that, get in, I finish, he finishes, DONE.  Almost exactly the same way, every. single. time.

Meanwhile, he's walking around like a zombie, needing sexual release, and I am unavailable to do for him the little, quick things that, although they aren't full intercourse, would make him feel loved and wanted.

Why?  Why would I deny him the one thing he can't get anywhere else?

Control.  I always had to be in control of myself and everything around me, including my body and my husband's body.  I would let him do the predictable things that would bring about the predictable sexual result, but I would always bring the hammer down if he tried to cross the line, because I couldn't control the outcome.

It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was just that I only wanted to know him in certain ways, and NOT in other ways.  Oddly enough, he (being the male = males are noted for being less open, not as free to express themselves = what a crock) wanted to know me every possible way, and wanted me to know him likewise.  Just like God wanted.

Sooo ... he stopped asking for sex.  Don't get me wrong - when I initiate, he is more than willing to accommodate me ... anywhere, any time, any way.  But he doesn't initiate.  Ever.

Totally. My. Fault.

A Time To Reconnect

First, let me apologize for neglecting my blog for so long.  I was away with Lew (husband), working on our relationship.  We did this because it came to a crisis point and we didn't want to give up on God's gift of marriage. 

My parents watched the kids and we drove far away and checked into a very nice hotel.  It was glorious to be alone with my love for a few weeks.  Or at least it would have been glorious had it not been for the gigantic crater in our relationship. 

That was the first order of business.  Well, right after resting a bit and getting some food in our famished bodies. 

First thing in the morning that first day we ate breakfast and got to work.  We set up our laptops on a round table in our room and sat next to each other.  We spent time each day working on specific areas of our marriage and family, including topics like finances, children, retirement, home improvements, health and fitness, diet, and sex. 

The talks were difficult at times.  There were things each of us didn't want to hear.  Some topics were embarrassing (especially when it came to sex), but we worked through some of them and made plans to improve over the next few months.

The best part of our getaway was having the freedom to be truly open and unashamed with each other without any interruptions.  We talked about things, and whenever we could, we started implementing changes immediately, right there on vacation.  Diet, exercise, sex, wardrobe, whatever we talked about.  We started making changes right then and there.

I found out I could do some things for him that would give him tremendous satisfaction and that didn't take a lot of effort on my part.  The trick was paying attention to him and what he needs instead of concentrating on what I want to give him and how to get out of giving him what I don't want to give him (Yes, I'm guilty of this and so are you).

I found out that Lew was unhappy for a long time but didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to have the same argument with me again and get nowhere again.  In fact, it took a couple days before he was actually able to admit that he still wasn't satisfied with our relationship.

The entire trip opened my eyes and I intend to keep them open.

What about you?  Do you and your hubby talk openly and honestly about deep, important issues?  Do you diet with him? (Lew dieted alone because it was "too much of a hassle" for me.)  Do you exercise together? (Lew didn't do the right kind of exercises.)  Do you try his sexual ideas? (I was only willing to do a few things, and he stopped asking for any kind of sex at all.)   Do you dress for each other? (We're learning to do that.)

I recommend to every couple that you take a week or so without the kids to go away, talk, and reconnect.  It will make a huge difference.  I promise.

My Wicked Thoughts

OK, I admit it.  I think some, let's say, "not so nice" things at times.  I often do one thing while thinking another. 

Especially where my husband is concerned.  

In spite of what I do for my husband, I know that my motivation isn't always quite right.  Sometimes (no, make that most times) I do things not out of love but to get my own way.

"If I do this for him, eventually he'll get the hint and do this or that for me." 

~ OR ~

"I'm only doing this because the Bible says I'm supposed to submit to my husband."

~ OR ~

"Why can't he be different, better at _________, more like ___________, smarter, stronger, etc..."

 In my marriage I find myself asking those questions far too often.  I say I'm his help-meet. I go through the motions, but my thoughts are not right.  If I treat him (on the outside) like I love him and would do anything for him, but think thoughts against him, like how lazy he is, or how unloving he is, or how much better I am with the kids, or how I wish he would do something better, then my thought life needs to be re-examined BIG TIME.

I may be respectful and submissive on the outside, but inside I'm rebelling against my God and my husband with my whole heart.  I may say that I respect him, but I do not, because I think things against him. I think I'm so clever to pretend I want to obey God by submitting to my husband in everything.  But I do not submit in everything.  In fact, I submit in hardly anything.  And my husband knows it. He can tell I have a deceitful heart.  That's why he doesn't open up, doesn't express his feelings, desires.  My deceitful heart is the reason he doesn't lead.

Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, that ye should obey it in the lusts thereof.  (Romans 6:12)

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.  (Philippians 4:8)

I need to start getting my heart right.  I need to focus on my thought life and ask God to help me love my husband and not harbor selfish, wicked thoughts against him by saying/doing one thing, but thinking another.  

Lord God, please help me focus on You.  Examine my heart and help me eliminate any bad thoughts about my husband.  Let me be the help-meet he needs instead of the help-meet I want to give him.  Get rid of my selfishness and let me serve him and You.

In Jesus name,

Amen.