He Doesn't Deserve Me.

I'm not what he expected.
I'm not what he bargained for.
I'm certainly not what he wanted.

I know beyond a doubt that Lew (husband) loves me with all his heart.  I because I've experienced his love in the ways he takes care of me and the girls.  I know because I feel the warmth when he holds me.  Not a physical warmth, but a much deeper, "knowing" kind of warmth.

I also know that he never bargained for a wife who would abandon him for things like books, television, women's clubs, the children, my housework, or anything else that's on my personal agenda.

I know that he expected me to follow through on my promises.  I promised to put him before a bunch of other stuff, and to make sure I did all those wifely things he needs me to do - cooking, ironing, shopping.

I know that he has been bitterly disappointed in me because I have led him on, telling him I was willing to grow sexually and learn how to please him when I never had any intention to do so. (... and I think he knows that now, so he stopped asking for any kind of sex whatsoever - what a relief). 

I broke my promises.  I never intended to be the wife he wanted. Not if it meant I would have to do things for him.  After all, I'm the woman in this relationship, and the man is supposed to worship and serve the woman.  Right?  He doesn't serve me, does he?

He works hard so I can have a nicer house than most of my friends.  So what?
He provides food and clothing for me and the kids.  So what?
He keeps the cars gassed-up and repaired.  So what?
He cooks and cleans whenever I'm too tired, or too ticked off to do it.  So what?
He takes up the slack for the tasks I'm supposed to do.  So what?
He protects me when people talk down to me.  So what?
He gives me sex whenever I want it.  So what?

Furthermore, he asks too much of me.

He wants me to spend time with him.
He expects me to do go to bed when he does so we be intimate.
He wants me to open up to new things in bed so we can grow our marriage.
He wants me to read marriage books with him.

That's asking for too much.  

When I married him I did not expect him to treat me the way he does.  He definitely isn't the husband I expected ... or deserve.

Besides, I'm sure when he married me he didn't expect me to treat him like I do.  I may be the woman he desired, but I'm not the wife he wants ... or deserves.

Who Do You Serve?

The question is ... who do I serve? 

I often say it is a privilege to serve and respect my husband, even reverence him, as the Bible commands (Ephesians 5:33).  But who do I serve ... really?

Myself. 

Here's what I mean ...

Every time I give Lew (husband) a hard time about something because it isn't the way I want it, I'm serving myself.  Not my husband, not my Savior, myself.

Every time I give my husband something I want him to have instead of something he actually wants or needs, I'm serving myself.  Not him.

Every time I refuse him sexually of the kind of intimacy he desires but instead give him the sex I want him to have, I'm serving myself.  Not him.

It's disobedience, ladies.  Plain and simple.  God expects us to reverence our husbands and obey and respect them. 

When we refuse to consider that they need something that we don't want to give them, but instead give them something else - something that's acceptable to us, we are disobeying God's commands. 

When sex is always my way, with only 20 seconds of his way added in a couple times a year to "make him happy," it destroys any chance for the marriage to achieve oneness. No wonder men look at other women, view pornography, and have affairs.  If they can't be fulfilled in their own marriages by their own wives, they will fall to Satan's temptations.

Here's what I, personally, will do:

I will pay attention to my husband's needs.  Deep down I know many of the things he wants and needs, but I don't allow him to have them because they are inconvenient, make me uncomfortable, or otherwise don't meet my criteria.  I need to stop that.  I need to recognize that when I obey and serve (and yes, reverence) my husband, I am obeying the Lord.  Likewise, when I disobey my husband I also disobey the Lord.  When I run his desires through my agenda and say, "um .... no.  I don't think so,"  I am saying "no" to God.  It's the same thing.  When I disrespect my hubby, I disrespect my Savior.  When my kids see me disrespecting him, they learn to do likewise.

You might say, "But what if my husband won't tell me what he wants?"

That question is a cop-out.  There are many things we know beyond all doubt that our husband desire from us, but they no longer will express it out of frustration or exhaustion from the quest.  You know I'm right.  Our job is to repent of our personal agendas and serve and reverence our husbands the way they need us. 

Our husbands will be happy and fulfilled and our God will bless our marriages.

Open or Closed?

Before I jump into today's post, I want to take a moment to apologize to my readers for the somewhat graphic nature of some of my last post.  I did not mean to offend, but rather to  enlighten.  I wanted to share some of my feelings and maybe I went to far in the description or details.  Anyway, I do apologize for that, and will do my very best to keep myself under control.

Now ... on to today's post.

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?  I recently read that couples who sleep with the bedroom door open have more trouble with intimacy than those who close the door.

Hmmmm ....

Lew (husband) and I sleep with our door open on my insistence because I want to hear the girls if they need me in the middle of the night.  Lew likes us to sleep au naturale but we haven't done so in several years because the door to our boudoir is wide

Hmmmm ....

I was more adventurous in bed before we had kids (and began leaving the bedroom door open).

Hmmmm ....

Maybe there is something to this.  Let's examine some possibilities:

If we slept with the door closed ...

• Lew could sleep in the raw.  Maybe he could even convince me to lose the frock and join him.
• Our bedroom would be instantly private, and privacy is always a good thing for married folks.
• We could watch whatever we want on TV.  
• The kids would have to knock before coming in.  It would teach them to respect the boundary of Mom and Dad's private space.

Maybe there is something to this idea of closing the bedroom door.  If we closed our door would we be more free to express ourselves?  Would we have better conversations?  Better couple time?  Hotter sex?  Would I be more willing to love him the way he needs me to?

Probably.

Worth a try.  Don't you think? 

Does My Husband Really Need .......THAT?????

"You need to learn."

That's what my mentor said to me.  I was asking her advice on a very personal matter and she was very upfront with me about what I needed to do.  It wasn't a comfortable conversation, nor was it pleasant advice, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm very blessed with a mentor who is a true Titus 2 woman.  She teaches me and guides me in a very no nonsense way.  She really tells it like it is, unlike many "mentors" out there who will brush many subjects under the rug, or worse yet, will get all high, mighty, and superior.  My lady understands her role, and she teaches me how to love my husband. MY husband.

And because she is so honest and open with me, it's time for me to be honest and open with you.  Let's have a frank discussion about what happens in the bedroom.

Lew (my husband) has asked me about oral sex for a long time (I told you this was going to be a frank discussion).  He wants it.  he wants to do it to me, and he wants me to do it to him.  He wants a no-holds-barred sex life with me, the one he chose to marry.  One the surface it seemed okay, but then when it came down to actually doing it, I backed down.

By "backed down" I mean excuse after excuse.  I put him off for years, and quite successfully.  Or so I thought.  He would ask me for it, and I didn't want to, so I would come up with all kinds of excuses.

I didn't wash.
I'm too tired.
The kids are still awake.
Maybe if we finish doing our work, I'll do that for you.
My friends don't do it.
Wouldn't you rather have intercourse?
I'm too fat.

I thought I was being so clever.  In fact, the only thing I accomplished was to wear my husband down to the point where he wasn't even interested in sex with me anymore.  Instead, he would sneak away for a few minutes to masturbate whenever he felt a sexual urge.  He kept it pretty well hidden, too, until I came right out and asked him. 

He told me he did it because it was easy to imagine my hands and lips on him, pleasuring him in that way.  On the flipside, it was downright brutal to negotiate with me for the same thing.  Further, he said even though I never really bothered to learn how to do it or improve at all even though I promised him I would (truth be told, I just plain stopped doing it for him altogether and thought he was finally okay with that), and that he was just better off pleasing himself than bothering me for it.  He would still have intercourse with me, but when he wanted something else he always did it himself because he couldn't handle the struggle to convince me to give him a few minutes of pleasure. 

"I thought we had a good sex life."  It was all I could think to say.

"Maybe YOU have a good sex life, but WE only have a 'so-so' one," he replied.

My head was spinning.  What was this all about?  I started to read up on sexual frustration in men and found some very interesting facts.

1. Men don't always need intercourse.  Sometimes they just need a fast release that comes from other sexual activities such as oral or manual sex.
2. They get very aroused when we kiss them, especially with our tongues.
3. They tend to have fewer sexual limits than we do. They will do sex with abandon when they are allowed to.
4. They love the taste of female flesh, even to the point of craving it.
5. They long to feel our lips and tongues all over them.

I took my research to Lew, and asked him to help me understand it.  He confirmed it.  There's a lot of truth in the above statements.  

I never knew how important oral sex was to him, or that he was so afraid to confide in me that he wanted me in that way.  Truth is I guess he wants me a whole lot more than I want him.

Anyway, I took my problem (well, our problem) to my mentor.  to say it was awkward would be a serious understatement.  I told her the whole, ugly truth.  Her answer to me was straightforward and abrupt.

"You need to learn."  

"What do I need to learn?"

"You have to learn how to do those things. Those specific things.  You've spent your whole marriage making love to him whatever way you want, and now it's time to learn how to love your husband. You probably don't even really know hat he wants you to do once you get down there, do you?  He isn't a monster - he's your husband.  It's about time you start acting like his wife.  He isn't going to tell his friends, or call you a slut.  The worst thing he will do is show you what he wants if you ask him.  And then he'll be overjoyed that you want to please him that way."

I have to say, I was shocked by her answer.  She advised me to google the things I needed to learn, and to try them out on my Lew.  Not just the usual 30-second kiss-kiss-so-I-can-check-it-off-my-list-until-next-year technique. Sound familiar?

I looked up a few little things and tried them that night. Nothing intense, just something very basic. I never knew it would be so easy to please my husband so much.   He was bursting with love and ecstasy when I crossed over my inhibitions and actually took him in and looked up at him.  He wasn't looking for a porn star performance, just a wife who wasn't afraid to love him. It wasn't gross.  It was wonderful to finally let go and truly abandon myself to my husband.

He told me he felt more love for me afterward than any other time in our marriage.  And you know what?  I didn't have to be masterful at it.  I just tried something and he helped me get it right.

I love my husband. 

**If you haven't found a Titus 2 mentor you really don't know what you're missing.  But a word of caution:  Many older women will be put off by sexual subjects, not finding them appropriate for discussion.  That kind of person is NOT A TITUS 2 WOMAN.  She must be someone who will teach you how to love your husband.  That means what it means, and it most definitely does NOT exclude sex. 

About A Six

"About a six, I guess."

WHAT??? A SIX??!!??

That's the answer Lew (husband) gave me when I asked him to rate our love life on a scale of 1 to 10.

He gave us a six.

Needless to say, I was devastated.  Not only wasn't it a ten, but it was about  a six, which means it probably wasn't even quite as good as a six.

When I pressed him for more details, he was very reluctant to share because, well, we all know how I get.  But he did share some reasons for his rating, none of which should have surprised me, and all of which gave me much to think about.

What did he share? 

• Sex is predictable and always on my terms, never on his.  A while ago I promised to improve in this area, but I never did.  He has desires that I don't understand, and while I paid him lip-service and promised to take his needs more seriously by learning how to do some "things," I never did learn.  Instead, I ignored the subject, hoping it would go away.  True.

• Spontaneity has gone out the window by way of housework and children.  He agrees that the children must be a priority, but I had made them a priority above and beyond our marriage.  True.

So, what would he have ranked me back then?  Probably around a nine (although I didn't ask him, I remember those days too, and it truly did seem far better).

What happened, and why didn't he ever say anything?

He did, actually, say something.  A lot of somethings.  Over and over again.  Over the past ten years or so we have had this conversation in one form or another.

When I was a "9," I paid close attention to him.  I couldn't wait to see him return from work.  I was bursting with joy to see him. I was more than eager to rip off his clothes and do whatever he asked.  I felt free to be naked and unashamed with him. He seemed absolutely head over heels in love with me, and would do anything I asked as well.

In the time that followed, things became quite different.  I was tired, cranky, and I felt unattractive, even though he did his very best to assure me otherwise.  I didn't want to be adventurous in bed.  There were only a few items on my sexual menu, and only those things were authorized for use in our bed.  I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I said "no" to everything else. He wanted to be free in my presence, but somehow he became inhibited in expressing himself because he was often humiliated by my reaction.  As a result he has suppressed his interest in sex. 

Who could blame him?

After all, how long would I have continued to ask for sex before giving up?  But it wasn't just asking for sex.  It was my disregard for his needs that was the tipping point. 

Lew gave up.  While he used to pursue me passionately and diligently, he became passive.  He waited until I came to him for affection. It turns out he found it much easier (less humiliating?) to just wait until I wanted sex.  Then he would give me only what I wanted, without asking for anything more. 

What did I want?

I wanted release.  Orgasm.  Plain and simple.  I didn't really want him.  I just wanted it.   I adopted a "this far and NO farther" policy in bed.  If I truly wanted him, he explained, I would want every square inch of him with all five senses, like he wanted me. And he truly did want me that way, if only I had allowed it.  

He finally resigned himself to living with "about a six."

What did I do?  How did I fix it?

I confessed to him and asked his forgiveness.  Then I asked him to help me learn how to be more open sexually. 

I vowed to do something just for him at least once a week. And not just a half-hearted attempt, just to say I did it.  I mean really  do it.  Learn how to make him satisfied. 

I started researching blogs and online article on marital intimacy and started applying what I learned in my own marriage.

Am I a "9" again?  Probably not.  But I am getting there, and Lew and I are growing in intimacy every day.

Wives, I encourage you to find out what your husband wants and learn to give him some of what he wants.  Trust me.  Your home will be a better place as a result.

Reverence, Part 2

Okay, so I got a little flack for my recent post about reverence our husbands.  Many of you have emailed me with serious questions about my elevating my husband to be equal with God. 

That is not at all what I was going for.  Let me explain.

Suppose someone showed up at your door.  Suppose it was someone you have always held in high regard.  What if it was your grandfather?  Your teenage idol?  A Christian musical artist you always admired?  What if Jesus Himself showed up at your door? 

Would you let Him in?  How would you treat Him?  Would you give Him the finest chair in the house?  Would you try to make Him feel comfortable?  Would you honor all of His requests? Is there anything He might ask that would be off limits?  Anything you wouldn’t do for Him?  What if He asked for the last piece of cake?  What if He wanted you to fix His flat tire in a downpour?  Or to give some money to that hateful old woman next door?  What if He asked for something you’ve never done before … something uncomfortable?  Would you look at Him with reverence or repulsion?  Enthrallment or disgust?  Would you question his reasons for asking? 

All I’m saying, ladies, is that our husbands symbolize Christ; they are God’s holy representatives, placed in charge of our marriages and our families.   We are commanded to treat them accordingly. 

No, I am not suggesting that we bow down and worship our husbands, but that we treat them with reverence (holy fear and awe) and that we treat them like royalty (because they are); eagerly and enthusiastically please them, body and soul, no matter what. 

If we do not reverence our husbands, we will surely answer for it in Heavenly judgement… in a BIG way. 

That’s all I’m saying.  I hope this clears it up.      

Reverence Him? Really??

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

A few months ago my husband and I attended my cousin’s wedding.  The entire affair consisted of the usual wedding hoopla, the ceremony, the reception, the cake, the “Chicken Dance,” you get the picture. 

Anyway, we were sitting with a few of my favorite old aunts at the reception, when one of them said (about the bride), “she’s a lucky one.  She really found a good guy.  He worships the ground she walks on.”  

I couldn’t help thinking that my dear old auntie had the wrong idea of how it’s supposed to work. 

I want to talk about reverence today.  There are many places in scripture where God instructs wives to respect their husbands.  I have been to many women’s conferences where the speakers were hammering home the idea of respect and submission, to swuch an extreme that I sometimes find myself rolling my eyes and saying, “Alright!   Stop!  I get it already!!” 

However, none of these speakers have, in my recollection, spoken about reverence.  It’s as though we don’t even realize the word is there.  I mean it’s hidden there among the other words, so we tend to gloss over it quickly.  Besides, it isn’t really that important compared to the big “S” (Submission – Ooooooh  I said it again!), right?  No one talks about it so it must not be a vital component for wives. Also, in today’s society it just doesn’t work.   I just isn’t meant for us today … it has to be a mistake.   Right?

Wrong.

Well, then, what does it really mean?

Ummm … it means what it says.  No mistake.

Ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.

Reverence. verb.

1. worship;
2. regard with feelings of respect and reverence; consider hallowed or exalted or be in awe of;
3. hold sacred;
4. regard highly; think much of;
5. show devotion to (a deity);

Holy Moley!!  Wait … WHAT????!!!!??!?!

I know, I know.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, too.

I’m supposed to REVERENCE him??!?

Yes, ladies, we are supposed to reverence our husbands.  This goes far beyond respect.  This is a matter of being in awe of who he is.  Marveling at his body, his mind, his essence. It means having a worshipful (yes, you read that correctly) attitude toward him.  It means being eager to do whatever will make him happy.  It means having that “I can’t wait to get near him and do whatever he asks me to do. 

I know what some of you are thinking … “She’s gone crazy.”  “She’s taking this to extremes.”  “She obviously doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

You might also be saying, “But, you don’t know what I go through every day.”  “But, that just isn’t realistic in today’s world.”  “But, my husband is a horrible person who doesn’t deserve respect or reverence or anything else!”

But … But …

But you know what?  Back when I didn’t think much of the submission / reverence idea, my marriage was very un-spectacular.  It was okay, but it wasn’t great.  My husband treated me like most husbands treat their wives; with respect and fear. 

After I started to become accustomed to surrendering myself to the Word of God, and began to submit to my husband, and yes, began to reverence him, something amazing happened.  God turned my marriage around. 

Now my husband loves me like I never thought possible.  He can’t wait to come home to me at the end of the day. He leads our family like a man.  I no longer stand in his way. 

Instead, I honor him; I respect him; I can’t wait to get at him and cling to him, to wrap myself around him and communicate with him; to listen to him; to touch him everywhere, to kiss him everywhere, to breathe in in everything that he is and give him everything I have to give, mind, body, and soul.  Yes, to act worshipful toward him (reverence him).  I can’t wait to be as close to him as possible, to show him how eager I am to know him and how much I am in awe of him and how much I yearn to please him. 

I’m not talking about being a doormat for abuse or being a mindless trollop who does nothing but offer herself to a man hoping he will accept her.  I’m talking about a wife’s responsibility according to God’s Biblical commands.  I’m talking about fulfilling our roles as godly wives.  I’m talking about regarding as holy the man God chose to be your husband.     

The word is reverence.   It’s in the Bible.  It is no mistake.  And ladies, by reverencing our husbands, we are reverencing the Lord God Himself.  Keep that in mind today when your husband comes home.  I know I will.